The Lord laid on my heart over the summer what I am going to share with you today. As I have "chewed" on what He has wanted me to share, I have continued to learn about myself and what He has been teaching me. My prayer is that what I am going to share today will help others. The Lord has shown me enough that when we go through seasons in life, we can use what God has shown us and share with others to help them.
We all have seasons in our lives. Some of our seasons seem to last a short time, and others seem to go on forever.
Today, I am going to share a season of my life with you that went on for as long as I can remember.
It is the season of FEAR.
I know we all have times of fear, but I seemed to have an extra dose.
As long as I can remember:
- I feared not being perfect enough.
- I feared losing control.
- I feared rejection.
- I feared the future.
- I feared the past.
- I feared the present.
- I feared what might happen.
- I feared God... in the wrong way.
- basically, I feared LIVING.
That fear consumed me in a lot of ways. I had the outward appearance of living a normal life, but on the inside I was a person living with anxiety.
I was told by a doctor 6 years ago, right after my Mom was in the hospital, that I was having anxiety and panic attacks. I thought the doctor was crazy because I was fun-loving and not the "typical version of an anxiety-ridden individual." Little did I realize that God was using that season in my life to help me identify something I had dealt with all of my life, but something I thought was normal.
Fast forward 4 years. The doctors kept telling me that what was wrong with me was anxiety. I still didn't want to believe them, but began to listen. The anxiety attacks at this point became intense and they left me crippled. It was all because of fear of the past, present and future. I covered it well... no one knew. No one, that is, except the Lord and Steve.
I had to have some help during this time. To admit that you need help is very humbling... especially for someone who tried to give all appearances of having everything under control. But that is what this season in my life has been teaching me... that it is not mine to control.
The Lord showed me a couple of verse during the time I was going through this hard season that began to help me really hear God's still small voice:
John 8:32 - And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.
John 10:10 - The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.
I was in bondage to my fear. The Lord wanted to free me from the anxiety I had lived with all of my life. I began to finally listen.
During this time of studying God's Word, I began to really identify with Peter. Jesus called him "The Rock." Peter was hard-headed, strong-willed, and wanted to be in control. Through various events in his life, the Lord gently helped Peter to see how he needed to change. Not change completely, but take his personality and use it to glorify the Lord and not himself. Peter had some of the same fears that I lived with in my life. He feared the past, present and future... that is why he wanted to always have control.
Thinking of how Peter was called the "Rock" it caused me to think of all of us as a rock.
A rock can be jagged and rough, just like you and me. When the seasons of life flow over us like water, God uses those seasons to change us. We are still a rock, but now smoother.... the edges are not there and the roughness is much better. We have changed and it was because of the Lord's working. Through all of it, though, the Lord is there.
God showed me Isaiah 43:2, 3a, 5a
When passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.
For I am the Lord thy God.
Fear not: for I am with thee.
FEAR NOT.
I am not going to say that I have completely overcome all of what I have faced in this season of my life. God is still working on me with that.
BUT.... when I feel the panic rise, I turn to Him. When I feel the fear creep back in, I turn to Him and realize God is there. He is holding me. I do not need to fear.
He also gave me this verse on one night when I was at my wits end wanting to know where He had been in my times of trouble. This verse filled my heart in such a way I just cannot describe to you the feeling that came over me. To this day, I still get emotional thinking about that time.
Deuteronomy 33:27a - The eternal God is thy refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms: and he shall thrust out the enemy from before thee; and shall say, Destroy them.
The song I have created into a video for you today was what the Lord gave me on one of my walks. He speaks to me so many times through my songs I listen to as I walk. I had been thinking of a couple of other songs but the Lord just didn't give me peace about those for this devotion. It was on Labor Day that the Lord gave me this song for you all. If fit in so many ways and it was "perfect!" I was able to go home and make this movie that afternoon. I was amazed at how quickly it came together... but, again, when you are following the Lord's leading, things go so much more smoothly. :)
Enjoy:
Here is the photograph I gave to all of my fellow teachers today. It is something to remind them of the verse that means so much to me. It is of my Dad's hand holding that rock I talked about earlier. My Daddy's hand is like God's hand holding us up even when the waters of life seem about to beat us down. If you notice, the water is flowing all over my Daddy's hand and he is experiencing it, too. That is just like the Lord with us... He is there experiencing everything with us. If you would like a copy, let me know and I will see what I can do to get you one.
5 comments:
Thanks for sharing, Kellie. I enjoy reading your posts and I am thankful that my children thus far have been placed in your care for 2nd grade. Don't go anywhere... I have one more on the way! :-)
I am so thankful for your post today! And I emphasize TODAY, because today, I really needed this! I felt as though I was reading my story in your words. I've lived with the burden of fear for so long. And like you, I do a wonderful job covering it up to the outside world. But I think the turning point for me, was when Ashley went to college. After much fear, distress, and worrying, ...and prayer, I realized I had absolutely no control over Ashley's life/protection/safety when she ventured out into the world, and the only option I had was to trust in the Lord. I've been doing much better, and releasing my "reins" to God in all areas of my life, but today I had a serious "relapse!" I wasn't proud of that either. So, your post and the verses you shared really spoke to my heart!
Sorry for the long comment! :) Love the picture and the song, as well! ~Rhonda
I love you for so many reasons, one of them being your willingness to be so transparent. That's so hard to do with weaknesses.
You may never know how God will use your willingness to be vulnerable in this post (there are always people reading that we never know about....)
It's a shame that we feel that we have to "appear" to have it all together even when we are falling apart inside. And reluctance to ask for/accept help is pure pride. I KNOW, because it's something I battle constantly.
Thinking that medication is something we shouldn't "need" is ridiculous when we wouldn't hesitate to use medication for diabetes or high blood pressure or whatever. Thank God for those who develop the meds & those who prescribe them!
It is awesome to know that God loves us enough to take us through those seasons & teach us in spite of ourselves.
Loved the music in the video (& the pictures!)
Thanks for sharing & thanks to Jesus for setting us free!
dearest kellie,
this weekend, i hopped over here from sandy or gretchen's blog (i'm a church friend of theirs). and your post that day featured the fabulous!!! water droplets pictures. i, too, am a photography enthusiast, although a sadly disgrunted owner of a camera that refuses to give me the depth of field i want (so i'd love to hear what kind you have!)
ANYWAY . . . the REAL reason i wanted to drop you a note, however, is to affirm you for your transparency. for speaking truth in the middle of your weakness. i can relate to so much of what you wrote -- b/t the needing help part, the many fears, even the isaiah pssg that has brought much comfort to me dur. my past yr of a health crisis. (THANK YOU for that beautiful reminder that He is experiencing it, too!)
as i have experienced the freedom & power of others' being real with me like you were here, i have become convinced that transparency is such a powerful tool for the Lord that the enemy will do whatever he can to stifle it. so praise God for the victory that is His right here in this post!
i read this just last night & hope you find it encouraging as well:
"when the believer allows the Enemy to spread the choking smog of self-accusation over his life, the realization of his righteousness in Christ is dimmed."
after reading this post, kellie, it sure sounds to me like the Lord just lifted the smog, sister!!
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