Quiet Christmas Meditations

This Christmas is quiet.

There are not the sounds of little (or big) feet constantly going back and forth in the house. Having constant busyness the few days before Christmas has not happened this year as it has in the past. In fact, I have spent more time alone since I finished my first semester of school than I can ever recall. 

Life has certainly changed this year with both of our kids getting married and us now experiencing the empty nest. There are days that I am not certain what to do with myself and all of this TIME I had always so desperately wanted. While I have enjoyed the quiet and am thankful for a time of recharge, there is something surreal about where my heart is this Christmas. My Momma's heart has been full but yet empty at the same time.

For many years, this verse has repeatedly played in my heart at Christmas because of so many changes that have been taking place with our kids getting older and nothing staying the same.

Luke 2:19 (CSB)  

But Mary was treasuring up all these things in her heart and meditating on them.

For those who personally know me, I am a deep thinker. I enjoy getting lost in my thoughts. Sometimes that is to my detriment but other times it is where my longing soul connects with the Lord in ways I cannot do when I am so busy. I resonate with how the Lord described Mary in Luke 2:19. Mary treasured everything that was happening to her and meditated on them. 

As I have sat in a lot of quietness, the Lord has drawn my heart to the past Christmases of excitement and life on the go. I fondly recall the cookies and other treats made,  "reindeer food" put out on Christmas Eve, going to see Santa and the lights of Christmas, running around with friends to experience different traditions, and watching the excitement on our children's faces. This year my Momma's heart aches for that time again, but I know that life is full of changes. It is what I do with those changes that matter most.

For years I have celebrated the birth of our Savior with a "fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants" feeling. Everything was just so BUSY and the excitement all around me took away the quiet that I now do not know how to handle. The picture to the left is something I drew YEARS ago for my classroom - the cute baby Jesus asleep on the hay, in a manger made out of wood (which actually would have been made of stone), covered with a purple blanket because it's my favorite color because Christmas was so - SWEET - and because it was a warm and cozy good-feeling time of the year. So innocent. So welcoming. 

The Lord is using this time in my life to help me move past the busyness and common view of "sweet" Christmas to treasure more of Him in my heart and meditate on HIM. As my life begins this quieter journey of motherhood, I can help future generations understand the beauty of Emmanuel - God With Us.

Emmanuel.

God is always with us. 

He gives us what we need when we NEED it.

Mary and Joseph were shown a stable in which to bed down and that is where Jesus was born.  The first to be told of Emmanuel were the lowly, stinky, illiterate, nomadic Shepherds. These men were seen unfavorably by society because of their job of caring for sheep. These outcasts were not the sanitized view that I also have hanging on my wall at school (the Precious Moments shepherd - so cute), but they were some of the lowest of the low. However, Emmanuel's birth was revealed to them first. He understood their need. He understood what they could and could not understand. He gave them a SIGN of a babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. These illiterate men who were society's outcasts were given the ability to understand God's plan of redemption in a way that made sense to them! They, the keepers of the sheep for the temple, would wrap perfect lambs that would become sacrifices in the temple and place them in the stable manger area. These same men who were not seen fit to enter the temple were the first to fall down and worship the Lamb of God who would take away the sins of the whole world.

The Lord continues to help me see that I am just like those Shepherds. I am lowly, "stinky", and unfit to enter His presence because of my sin. I am illiterate about Who He really is. I am "nomadic" in my trust in His plans for my life. Yet, HE came to ME. He will do what it takes to give me the SIGNS that He is Who He says He is. I just have to leave that pasture of busyness, search for Him, fall before Him, and adore Him. This quiet season is allowing me to do just that. I often wonder - could that have been some of what Mary was pondering in her heart? Could it have been the emotions of realizing she was holding HER Savior and she understood those shepherds' excitement? 

This time of year can be celebrated because God came DOWN. He will do whatever is needed to draw us to Him. 

Even giving a quiet emptiness that can only be filled by Him.

Praise, Indeed

The word the Lord gave me on which to meditate for this year was "praise." 

Praise was the word He gave me a few years back so I was actually surprised that He kept giving it to me for this year. I knew we would be praising the Lord with celebrations as our kids got married to the ones He had chosen for them so I figured He was just helping me have an easy word to take through the year! However, as I have walked through this year, the Lord has reminded me to praise Him - but in different ways than what I had previously thought. Yes, I praised the Lord for the weddings, but it was deeper than that. 

The verse the Lord gave me for my display on our mantle to keep "praise" in front of my family was Psalm 113:3 - 

"From the rising of the sun to its setting, let the name of the Lord be praised." 

Unfortunately, earlier in the year we had someone come help clean the house and they accidentally erased most of it off of my display area when dusting. Because there was so much going on between planning two weddings and teaching school, I just never had the energy to write it again. It still is more than halfway erased even though I had summer to fix it. 

However, in all of that time, I have looked at that display realizing I must praise the Lord from the rising of the sun to its setting - even when the words have been blurred and I can't see it. 

It is so easy to praise the Lord for what we can see. 

But we also must learn to praise Him when it is something in the story of our life that has been blurred and we CANNOT SEE. That form of praise is much harder. 

This year the Lord had me in a Bible study on the book of Isaiah. It was one of those studies I did not want to end. It taught me more deeply to strive less and trust the Lord more. During this study, the Lord revealed this verse in a deeper way.  He showed it to me during a set of circumstances that we just did not understand. A time when it was hard to praise Him for what was happening.

Psalm 12:2 (CSB) - 

"Indeed, God is my salvation; I will trust Him and not be afraid, for the Lord, the LORD HIMSELF is my strength and my song. He has become my salvation."

In context, this verse is part of a praise chapter in Isaiah. It is a song of praise for the Lord's deliverance of His people. Because I love to learn the importance of wording, I searched this verse in different versions of Scripture to see how it was conveyed. The way it is written in the CSB really resonated with what the Lord has been teaching me this year. 

All versions I looked up began this verse with "behold" - but the CSB beginning starts with "INDEED." 

I just had to look up what "indeed" means simply because there are so many words that we commonly use, but forget their true meaning.

According to Merriam-Webster "indeed" means:

• without any question: TRULY, UNDENIABLY
• in reality
• all things considered: as a matter of fact

This verse also repeats the Lord's name twice. In Scripture, anything said twice in a row gives greater emphasis to what is being communicated. Knowing that the Lord, the Lord Himself, is sovereign and in control of all that happens in our lives, we can praise Him, indeed.

Here is this verse as a song of praise using the words from the dictionary:

We can praise Him, INDEED, because without any question, truly, undeniably, in reality, and as a matter of fact it is THE LORD - The LORD HIMSELF - who is our strength, song, and salvation.

HE IS our strength in the struggles.

HE IS our song when we feel we have lost the ability to sing His praises.

HE IS our salvation through it all.

• The good and the bad. 
• The blurred lines of life. 
• The seen and unseen. 
• The highs and the lows. 
• The feelings of trust or doubt.

Praise HIM.

INDEED.

The Present

My Momma's Heart has continued to ponder over these last few months.

I have been thinking of THE PRESENT.

The present of my children.

The present of my life.

The present of my family.

The last few years have been a blur. The life we all have lived in this world for the last three (due to the pandemic) has been overwhelming and I have found that a lot of things have passed which caused me to not be able to retain the memory of that moment. I have had people ask if I remember something and I feel a loss in realizing I could not remember.

As both of our kids got married this summer, one thing the Lord kept putting on my heart was to be PRESENT. I wanted to remember. I wanted to ponder everything in my heart and keep it close. I purposely did that and will forever hold those memories in my heart. I savor every view, smell, or touch that I had on their very special days and the days leading up to the weddings. 

But as I have pondered on the present, I have always been concerned that I was not always present as Wesley and Mikayla were growing up. Having been a teacher all of their lives, I always felt like I had given more to my students each day than I had to my own children. 

I used to scrapbook. I wish I still had the time and energy to do so, but I am so glad that at least for the first five years of their lives, Wesley and Mikayla have their lives documented! As I have been thinking about how to put the present into words, the Lord led me to the pictures below. 

This was "the present" for a long time. Utter chaos! This was my scrapbooking area also known as our dining room. I was constantly trying to keep up with what Wesley and Mikayla were doing and recording it for posterity. 

All the while, I was thinking, and have also been thinking A LOT recently, that I was not always present in their growing years.

I look back and realize so many times were chaotic and rushed.

Rush to school. 

Rush to an appointment. 

Rush to a practice. 

Rush to get to bed. 

The moments are jumbled in my mind like the looks of my dining room in that picture!

But then I look at the picture posted below and see scattered pictures of "the present" of that specific time that I had captured. The Lord helped me see that in order to capture those pictures, I had to be present.

In that rush, I was still present with them. I may not remember every detail, but all of those details mesh together to create the PRESENT of where we are today. I would not take anything for that PRESENT of love and grace in my life!

As I continued to muse on this throughout the summer, the Lord showed me how my concerns and thoughts of being present as a Mom can apply to my spiritual life as well. 

Even though in the present I may not always think or feel that the Lord is there with me, HE IS. Because He is in my PAST and knows my FUTURE, that means THE PRESENT is always in front of Him. I can trust that He will never leave me or forsake me. I can know that in the scrapbook of my life, He has remembered everything and even if I forget, He never will.

The present is in His hands and that is the best present any of us could ever receive. We can trust and be grateful for the PRESENT of HIS love, grace, and faithfulness in our lives!

Letting Go

Our son has just recently separated his calves from their Mommas. It was not an easy thing to witness due to the distress both were showing. When the calves were taken away to their new pasture up the road, the Mommas were bellowing.

And they bellowed all night.

I understand.

You see, this picture seems like just yesterday. 

I was finally a Momma after many years of trying and so grateful for these twins the Lord had given to us. We dedicated them to the Lord as babies. We always *knew* they were His gifts to us that would not stay under our roof forever. But that was such a LONG way away!

At that time, I could not see how quickly my holding onto them would turn into letting go.

My reflections have increased as of late because both of these babies are getting married very soon. Along with those reflections have come some emotions for which I was not prepared. 

I am feeling like those Momma cows were voicing - a deep emotional bellow. I am finding that no one can prepare you for what it means to fully "let go." 

How can one put into words what it really means to let go? Could it be right now that my inward bellowing is another facet of how the Holy Spirit understands our groaning as Romans 8:26 speaks?

 "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans."

My pondering has been all over the place. I have gone back in time to when they were born all the way up to the last second I saw them and the interactions that took place. I can see a picture of them, of which I have many, and it will take me to that moment. That memory. That clinging. However, at each moment I observe I am reminded that I have been constantly letting go from the first time I held them in my arms:

the nursery

the first crawls and walks

the first words

the first holidays

the first toddler moments

the first day of Kindergarten

the first lost tooth

the first day of being out of "my" building at school and into the Elementary

the first of many "Mom, I need...."

the first day of middle school

the first day of hormones (and all that comes with it!)

the first day of high school

the first crush

the first heartache

the first (of many) long talks and discipling with God's Word

the first day of driving

the first prom

the high school graduation (which was bad enough....)

the first day of college

the first day of meeting their special one the Lord has given to them and realizing everything was changing

the first day after they were engaged....to my almost last day of them living completely under my roof.

I find myself trying to live in the past, present, and future all at the same time.

But only God can do that!

My emotions never know right now whether to laugh or cry; whether to rejoice or be sad.

All of what is happening is GOOD and ordained by God's plan. Just like my son knows that separating those Momma cows from their calves is part of life and necessary, so too is this moment with my own babies.

But the inward bellowing is a real thing. The cows just seem to voice it more easily than me.

No longer am I my son's first love. His wife will take that roll, as it should be, and they will become their own family.

No longer am I my daughter's first call (or first shopping buddy). Her husband will be the one she reaches out to first because that is what is ordained when they leave and come together as one.

I am trusting the Lord as I take their hands out of mine and put them completely into His. I just never knew when I held them the first time how hard that would actually be.

It is taking my trust in the Lord to a whole new level. 

But isn't that what life is all about? Isn't that what He reminds us so often in His Word that there will be hard things and times we must let go? 

But there is a truth that He shows us more strongly during these times: 

HE never lets US go. 

I am thankful that while I am having to let them go and He holds them tightly,  He is holding onto me, too.

My bellowing Momma's heart is clinging to that truth.