Looking Back to Look Forward

I took time to muse over this past year's events before I began writing this post.  I even went back to my first post of 2015 and was in awe of what the Lord had me write there - please take a moment to read the following link before you continue with this last post of 2015 as it will help you understand a little more of what I write below:  A New Year, Trees, and Cross-Stitch


This was my new ornament for the Christmas tree this year and it spoke volumes.  It was so perfect for the year the Lord gave me in 2015.  Every season of life certainly tells a new story.  Whether we embrace what the Lord is doing or not, is up to us.  I learned to embrace the "stories" the Lord gave me this year.  Let me explain.

As I began 2015, I "hoped" the year would be a great one.  I prayed that the year would be less dramatic than the previous two had been.  We had experienced a lot of deaths and struggles in our families and I just wanted the Lord to allow things to be a bit "calmer" for a time.

But that was not HIS plan. 

He had me write in that first blog post in January 2015 about being willing to be a tree planted by the waters that would bring forth fruit in its season and would not wither.   I was that tree that was planted - little did I realize how He would force me to grow some fruit and not wither!!  I also can now look back on the cross-stitch pattern of my year and see the colors unfold in ways I could never have imagined in January 2015.  In fact, just recently He allowed one or two spaces of my year to be filled in that had been blank for some time.

I had many personal battles this year.  Most of which many people would never have known.  And that is just fine - because it is not for everyone to know the secret things of the Lord. 

He was pruning my tree and it hurt.  He was creating new life in me that would bring forth new leaves and, at the times I went through each growing season, I could not see their newness until later.  He was decorating the needlework pattern of my life with vivid colors that would stand out in glory to Him.

While the pruning hurt - and sometimes cut very deeply - I can honestly say right now that I am so thankful for what He did in my life this year.  As I look to 2016 the Lord has given me truths from Him of which I will carry into the new year.  These truths are from what He allowed in my life in 2015. 

I have just begun a four week mini Bible study and am enjoying it thus far.  I have already learned much in the few days I have been doing it.  I will be the first to admit that I was bucking the Lord a bit when He kept directing me to do this certain study.  I wanted to "go big" and get into another Bible study I had found - and that one will come this year, Lord willing.  BUT - the Lord kept putting this one in front of me.  What helped me finally stop bucking the Lord was what I read in Amy Carmichael's book Candles in the Dark:

"But go on hoping.  Again and again when I had all but lost hope I used to go to the God of Hope and ask for the gift of hope.  Never be shaken in hope.  Never be cooled in love.  Never get tired of loving and hoping - yes, and believing."

Do you see a reoccurring word in her writings there?

HOPE.

The mini Bible study the Lord led me to was just simply: Hope by Heather Bixler

As I began the Bible study, the Lord put together 2015 in a nutshell in this way from Romans 5:2-5

² Through [Jesus] we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 

³ Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 

⁴ and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 

⁵ and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

I wrote this down in my Bible study journal: 

"Hope comes from having gone through trials."

suffering - perseverance - character - HOPE

God loves me so much He chooses to allow suffering to bring me to Him.  I can boldly say at the end of 2015 that my suffering through the year has taught me to persevere - there were days when I did not want to do so.  I wanted to give up.  But the Lord gave me the strength to continue and in doing so He built up my character in ways I never would have imagined.  Now my HOPE is in the Lord more strongly and deeper.  For that I am grateful.

In this Hope there are treasures that cannot be taken from me. As Proverbs 24:14 states - when wisdom is found it is a reward and my hope will not be cut off!  I have gained much wisdom in the Lord.  I have gained a closer relationship with Him through it all.  Those treasures are the ones that moth and rust cannot destroy or thieves cannot steal. 

Another verse that has become precious to me as of late is Hebrews 6:19a:

 
¹⁹ Which hope [in the Lord] we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and stedfast,

The Lord is the Anchor of my soul and I will rejoice.  He is sure and steadfast - and has proven that time and time again this year.  I found an anchor charm for my bracelet and I bought it for this verse alone - to remind me that my hope is in the Lord in whatever way my future lies before me.  

If I had gone through 2015 with an easier time as I had "hoped" in January, I would not have come out with knowing my Anchor of Hope is secure in the Lord.  I praise Him for what He has done in the year 2015.

I now look towards 2016 with a HOPE that I never fully understood as deeply as I do now.

The Lord is already there.  He's got 2016 in His hands and I am safe within.

To Ponder

PONDER.

It isn't a word we use much in our every day language nowadays.  Instead I find that we are more apt to use the word "think."

While thinking and pondering give us the same thoughts of taking time to actively THINK on something, I am finding that the word ponder goes a bit deeper.

When I researched the difference between THINK and PONDER, I found that the word THINK had over twenty-five different ways of using it, while PONDER only had two main definitions:

verb (used without object)

1. to consider something deeply and thoroughly; meditate (often followed by over or upon).

verb (used with object)

2. to weigh carefully in the mind; consider thoughtfully:

While I realize thinking is required, ponder takes thinking to a whole new level!

Here is a thought - one can think on something while actually not giving it as much thought as one might think.  (Fun sentence right there!)

Take time to look over that last sentence.  Understand the truths that are there. 

That is why I am writing this post and taking the time to "teach" the difference between those two words. In fact, it has taken me a few days to ponder and ask the Lord what to write!

This figurine was my grandmother's and it sits on our mantle each year at Christmas.

The Lord has caused me to PONDER more recently over Christmas and I wanted to encourage you all to do the same.  I know how insanely busy my life has been of late and I honestly believe that is not what God intended for us.  I think it is a tool Satan likes to use so that we do not have time to truly ponder the things of the Lord.  When our attention is on other things, and not that they are all bad, it still can cause us to lose sight of the One in which we should ponder on daily.

Each year I teach the "Christmas Story" - the birth of Christ.  I find that when I teach things each year, the Lord brings out something new on which I learn more from His Word.  This year is no different.

I have come to love Luke 2:19 ~

But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart.

As a mother, I can understand Mary's desire to treasure all that was happening and to think on that glorious time in her life.  There are a lot of memories that a mother holds dear to her heart.

However, her beginnings as a Mother was like no other.  Mary already knew that Who she held in her arms was a miracle in more ways than we would ever understand.

This is where I want us to stop, be still.... and PONDER.

Because the Christmas Story is given so much and many of us know Luke 2:1-11 by heart, I feel we become complacent in the wonder of it all.

Ponder these thoughts with me:

Mary never once doubted the Lord's plan.  As a 13-15 year old, she may not have understood how it would happen since she was not living with Joseph yet, but she still trusted His plan!  How many times have I doubted God in my adulthood!!

God sent His Son, in the form of a baby, to become one of us.  (Read that again...let it really sink in...)  He was still fully God and was fully Man, yet without sin!

Jesus left His heavenly throne to be with those He came to save.  And by being with us, He became flesh and dwelt among us.  He suffered as we suffer.  He felt as we feel.  He experienced life with us so that we could be comforted in knowing He DOES know how we feel.  In my Bible studying I am learning so much more of how Christ lived and it has caused me to realize that truly everything I face, He has already faced when He was here among us - Emmanuel.

In the fullness of time - Christ was born. (Galatians 4)  In. The. Fullness. of. Time. 
How many times do I wish for things to go on MY time table?  What a wonderful thing to ponder - that everything will happen in the time it should!  God's timing is perfect! God may seem silent at times but through the silence He is teaching us to be still and listen for His still, small voice. 

The shepherds were the first to come to see Jesus.  Stinky, smelly shepherds who had just left their sheep had the privilege of bowing first before the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.  If Christ had been born in a palace they never would have reached the outer gate.  In a way, we romanticize the life of a shepherd and how we portray them in our nativity scenes, but the truth of the matter is that they were considered some of the lowest of low in their society.  They worked with animals - they did not smell very nicely and their clothes were not the latest fashion.  However, they were still that night because they had to be - they were watching out for those precious sheep.  Many of those sheep were used for sacrifices for the people.  How fitting that Jesus, Who the Bible clearly states is OUR Shepherd, would be first visited by the same.  And then one day He became our sacrifice as the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world.  What a beautiful picture - think on that a minute.

Mary needed a Savior too.  At times it seems Mary can be elevated to a higher status than needed.  She was the instrument God used to send His Son - but she also knew she needed Him to be HER Savior.  She was a sinner just like me. 

When the shepherds left, Mary pondered all those things she had seen and heard.  Could she have pondered on more things - probably.  We mothers like to think on our children's births and relive them over and over.  It is such a precious time.  Just eight days later it would be told to her at the Temple through Simeon that Jesus would cause the rising and falling of many in Israel that hearts may be revealed - and a sword will pierce her heart also.  

I have no way of knowing whether Mary understood the implications of that foretelling.  However, we do know that she was there when Jesus was put on the cross.  Was she at the foot of that cross, looking up at her precious Son, Who was also her Savior, and remembering all she pondered that night some 34 years before when the Miracle before her was born?  As a mother, I think she was.  The sword was piercing her heart at that moment. 

But the sword could not pierce her heart forever because Christ did not stay on that cross.  He did not stay in that tomb.  He arose!

The full meaning of Christmas is full circle - Jesus was born to die for a world lost in sin.  He came for ALL. 

Are you in awe of that this Christmas - or any day of the year?  Do you take the time to truly ponder the miracle of Christmas? 

Be careful not to let the fun of the Christmas festivities crowd your mind so that the true meaning of Christmas is left behind.

Take time to ponder.

...but I didn't want a pumpkin....

It is the fall of the year.  

The time of year where pumpkins are everywhere.

But what if you didn't want a pumpkin?

Here is a true story:

Once upon a time a mother and daughter were walking in their yard.  They stumbled upon an area where a vine was growing and they had not planted it.  As they looked at the vine, they supposed it was a cucumber vine and were thrilled.  They could almost taste the freshness of the cucumber as they began to water and care for it.

Soon the vine became big enough to bloom.  The excitement rose higher in their hearts as they continued to water and nourish it.  Time was getting closer to viewing the beautiful, small green fruit popping from the vine.

Then one day, the fruit began to grow.  As they walked closer to the garden, they realized something.

A small, beautiful green cucumber did not greet them.

It was the beginnings of a pumpkin.

A pumpkin.

The fruit that the daughter disliked and the mother did not think too highly of either.

A pumpkin.

Their disappointment was evident, but they chose to still nurture it and watch it grow.  In the process of nurturing something they were not thrilled about having, they learned something in the process about pumpkins.  One of the things learned is that pumpkins grow - and grow - and grow.  The vines take up a lot of space and you don't want to hinder their growth by trying to cut them back.  The pumpkin vine took over the area, but they stayed consistent in its care.

Eventually, one pumpkin grew big enough to pick and it survived.  They became so attached to the pumpkin that it became quite the prize.  They knew how hard they had worked to grow it, so they chose to place that pumpkin in a special area.  They kept it as long as it could last.

They still missed the taste of the cucumbers that never grew, but they learned things about pumpkins in the process of growing them that would never have been learned if God had not allowed that little vine to sprout up in the most unusual place.
 

I have had many pumpkins when I thought I was getting cucumbers.  Some I have accepted more than others.  One in particular is one I never realized until recently.  The Lord used the story I shared above to open up my eyes to a truth He was trying to show me in life.

I am a teacher.  I love teaching and I desire for my students to love learning and grow greatly.

I am also a mother.  A mother who teaches.  A mother who thought that because she was a teacher her children would love learning and grow greatly in studying and get awesome grades.

We began to nurture our own cucumber vines - our own children - when they were given to us almost 16 years ago.  I will admit that I had high hopes for what would come from their "vines."  I pictured that because I was a teacher my own children would grab onto learning and grow, grow, grow.  They would be successful "cucumbers!"

As the nurturing began to produce blooms, we began to become excited that the precious cucumbers would be appearing soon. 

Instead, God gave us pumpkins.

Our pumpkins do not enjoy the garden of school as much as I had hoped.  The little female pumpkin does well enough, but she has to work really hard to grow in that area. 

The garden of school is just not the favorite growing spot for our male pumpkin. He would much rather grow at his own rate and take life a bit slower.  He honestly thinks he should have grown in a patch in the middle of nowhere so he could be free to grow at a different rate.  He doesn't like to be held down to the same spot in the garden - he would rather grow on his own.  He struggles to understand why it has to rain when he only wants sun. 

The garden of the Freshman year has been some hard soil in which to grow so far.  We are all struggling in how to provide the correct nurturing for our little pumpkins.  We are truly accepting of the pumpkins that God sent our way - we just want to make sure we are giving them the best soil, water, and sunshine that will allow them to flourish into the pumpkins God has planned.  We also can't cut them back to what "we" think they should look like or we will kill their growth altogether.

We are learning more and more to go the Master Gardener as He is the One Who planted them right where they are.  When He planted their seeds He knew they were going to be pumpkins instead of cucumbers.  He knew the cucumbers were limited in their use - in a salad, by themselves, or turned into pickles - some of which are quite sour.

He knew pumpkins would provide food in different ways - the flesh and the seeds. 

He knew that pumpkins would be great joy as their splashes of color dotted the landscape of a pumpkin field - a field in which children would run excitedly to them to find the "perfect pumpkin." 

He knew that pumpkins would be used to decorate a front porch for fall and would add brightness to the homes.   

He knew there would be pumpkin pie, pumpkin cookies, pumpkin bread and pumpkin muffins.

Look at all that we gain from pumpkins that a cucumber could never provide.  

(Whoever heard of a cucumber-spiced-latte!?)

So - I must ask these questions.

Do you have any "pumpkins" in your life that you didn't want?  Any part that you were dreaming of one thing, but the Lord chose to send you something else?

Even if you get a pumpkin when you thought a cucumber was growing, just remember that the Master Gardner had it planned from the moment He planted that seed.  He knows what is best.  Those secrets of revealing what we do not expect are all for His glory!

Deuteronomy 29:29 ~ The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things that are revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may do all the words of this law.

Change

We all know that change is a part of life.

Sometimes we welcome the change such as a change of scenery, seasons changing or weather changing.  This time of year we really think of that season change as Fall is upon us.

At other times, we don't want the change.

Change is inevitable.

Life as of late has thrown a lot of changes my way:

• Watching my children grow older and begin to drive.
• Changes in education - and how teaching is not what it was 21 years ago when I began.
• Friends moving away.
• My parents growing older and seeing them have physical issues.  My daddy especially.
• Our farm area - the Lord gave my parents an opportunity to put up a cell tower on the land.  It is a change that will help them as they get older - however, it is still a change in how our land looks and the memories of home.
• The death of many in our family or close friends.
• Health in general as I am not a "spring chicken" anymore, but still not "old."

I used to be a person who did not do well AT ALL with change.

I hated it.

I hated not having everything the same.

My time with the Lord has grown me and CHANGED me in that fact.  Change still affects me, as it would anyone, but it affects me less and for a shorter time.

By drawing closer to the One Who never changes, He has helped me to see that all of the changes He produces in my life change me to be more like Him.

As we were getting ready for the change around our farmland this summer, the Lord gave me this verse:

James 1:17 ~ Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

He made me to see that no matter what change comes my way, it is good and He has a purpose.

In that truth, I rest.

Even though I may not always like the change, I have learned to go to Him, and Him alone, when changes take place.  I have learned to cling to Him or to just abide in Him when changes do not make sense or feel scary.  Clinging to Him has changed me - changed me to reflect Him in my changes instead of reflect what I might think or feel.

People change and circumstances change.

God never changes. 

He is Holy.  He is Righteous.

He is Faithful.

In all of the changes I have experienced, and will continue to experience, my heart's desire is to change more into His likeness. 

Change more into His character. 

Change more into HIM.

Change with HIM by my side. 

MY STORY

For many years, I wondered why I had been born when I was.  I found myself feeling like a person born in the wrong time.  I would think that I should have been born when life was slower and you spent your time on the farm.  Of course, my brother would quickly tell me that if I had trouble with cooking NOW, how would I have handled things if I would have had to cut off the chicken’s head, pluck its feathers, cut it up, then fry her up for supper.  He made his point.  It still did not stop me from thinking at times that God had gotten my life wrong.

In recent months, the Lord has taken me on a new path in the journey of my life.  This was one I did not intend to take - nor did I see it coming.  He took me on a journey to understand MY STORY.  He wanted to make it very clear that I was born when I was born for a reason and for what purpose I was born.  He wanted me to understand that He has been there through it ALL and began showing me details of MY STORY I had actually gotten all wrong.

At the end of last school year, I was empty.  I was fully and completely exhausted mentally and physically.  The Lord had allowed some things in my life to help me see that my thoughts about MY STORY were actually not as I saw them to be in my mind’s eye.  He revealed that I had been thinking I should be writing MY STORY, but in actuality, 
HE WAS - and IS.

When I was so weary,  the Lord led me to a book entitled Empty. Living full of faith when life drains you dry ~ by Cherie Hill.  After that, the Lord led me to read BE Still.  Let Jesus Calm Your Storm also by Cherie Hill.  

In the first book, Cherie Hill takes you on the journey of the life of the woman at the well in John 4.  She brought out how Jesus “must needs go through Samaria” - He had to talk to her.  He knew all about her but still gently led her to the Living Water.  It is a beautiful picture of the grace and love of our Lord.  Jesus was already there before His body was.  Then, He was there lovingly and patiently waiting for her!!  Her story fills almost the entire chapter of John 4 yet we still don’t know her name other than she was a Samaritan - someone despised by the Jews - and a woman who had many husbands and living with one who was not.  But Jesus knew her, loved her, and was waiting.  He was already there.  She came to fill her empty waterpot with water but what she left with … after she “left her waterpot”  was a filling of the Living Water and His truth.

The next book, Be Still…., was based in Mark 4:35-41.  This book and my Bible study for the summer, Missing Pieces by Jennifer Rothschild, collided and taught me much. Here the disciples were in a boat on the Sea of Galilee with Jesus - and there came up a great storm.   Jesus sent His disciples into that ship knowing full well there was storm coming.  He also got in the boat with them.  One thing that was pointed out to me in my studying of this passage was Mark 4:36 “they took him even as he was”.  They took Jesus as He was into the boat, but they didn’t accept the outcome of Who he SEEMED to be when the storm came.  They questioned whether He was even caring what was happening to them.  Instead of becoming angry with them for immediately not believing, Jesus rebuked the WIND and the storm ceased and it was great calm.  After He calms the storm is when he asks where was their faith.

Finally, the Lord kept placing Psalm 139 in front of me - repeatedly!!  I began to read it over and over again.  It is such a familiar passage of Scripture but the Lord was showing me through this Psalm that familiarity caused me to miss what He has wanted me to know all along.  I went through and circled every personal pronoun in the passage - and it opened my eyes further. (I challenge you to do the same....)  He wove together all of the reading He sent my way to reveal these truths:

I am just like the woman at the well.  I thought MY waterpot was sturdy, but it could crack and leak.  It was not as dependable as I thought.  I still believed some of Satan’s lies I had held on to from very young and how I thought the Lord wasn’t truly there during certain times of my life.  But the Lord was there through all of it.  The Lord was there lovingly and patiently waiting for me to reveal that MY waterpot was needing to be emptied of myself and the lies I still believed needed to be set down so that I might put all of the Living Water in the Water pot that would never crack - the Lord Himself.  

I am just like the disciples in the boat.  I have said often that I had “taken Jesus as He was” just like verse 36 in Mark 4 states, but I really hadn’t.  I found out I still was doubting His goodness in my past storms and that He wasn’t caring that I perished.  I realized He was in the boat with me, but wasn’t recognizing the fact that HE KNEW THE STORM WAS COMING AND SENT ME THROUGH IT ANYWAY.  I never fully comprehended He was already there.

And I forgot to take Him as He was.  

To take Him as He IS.

I let faith go away and put my own thoughts in its place.

I am learning now to be more like Psalm 139 shows.  

The Lord already has searched me and known me.  I cannot get away from Him.  I love verse 5 now - “He has enclosed me behind and before and laid His hand upon me.”  Nothing that has happened in my life has happened by chance or without Him already knowing it’s coming.  Psalm 139:16 has also become precious to me: “Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them.”  He was already there before my life began.  

HE.  WAS.  ALREADY.  THERE.

It seems like something I should have grasped long ago in my Christian walk, but the Lord knew that too.  I was not taking God's truth for what it was - I was going on the familiarity of the knowledge already there from childhood.  Now, it has become PERSONAL.  Just as the Samaritan woman had to take Him as He was when He told of her past;  just as the disciples in the boat had to personally experience Jesus as He IS while in that boat and gain a deeper knowledge of Him through the storm, so has He done the same for me.

Jesus had to empty me of myself in ways I didn’t realize, so I could take Him as He is and allow Him to fully search me, know me, and lead me.

This is MY STORY.  

It is one of a Savior who loves me so much He comes finding me.  One who loves me so much He calms my storms even when I doubt Him.  One who encloses me in behind and before.   One who knew all about me when yet I was unformed in my mother’s womb - and knew all about my life.  HE IS ALREADY THERE - but I must allow Him to empty myself of ME, set down my waterpot of my own thoughts, take Him as He is - and willingly allow Him to search me, know me, try me.  As He works in my heart He is leading me in HIS everlasting way.  In that I must trust He holds MY STORY in His precious, nail-scarred hands.

This song has become a favorite of mine - especially knowing what the Lord has recently shown me.  I especially love the end of this video.  Enjoy:

Bloom Where You're Planted

If you have read my blog long enough, or know me personally, you know that one of my photography loves is capturing flowers.  They amaze me and their details capture my heart.

These flowers pictured below were growing in an area of our barns leftover from the farm.  They were not growing in great soil - in fact, it was where dirt had washed up on old cement near the feeding trough and barns which held the cows after milking.  I noticed them one day recently and it both shocked me and filled me with joy.

To see them blooming in such a "desolate" place was exciting.  To know that they were still growing and blooming even in horrible conditions was an encouragement.

I knew I had to capture them.  I knew I had to photograph the details of beauty even in an area that is less attractive than others I have photographed.

As I began photographing them the Lord began giving me the thoughts I am going to share.  He began to show me as I saw up close what conditions these flowers were in that I can be just like these flowers.

I can bloom where I am planted.

So many times in our lives, and I can look back on MANY occasions in my own life, we want to have the "perfect soil", the "perfect circumstances" and everything to be just as WE want it with cushions, luxury, and beauty.

We want the carefully nurtured soil of life.

We want the gently planted areas with plenty of nutrients and an area that gets the best balance of sun, rain, and rich soil.

We like life to be predictable....OUR version of predictable.

Sometimes, though, God plants us in situations that are ugly.  

They seem infertile.  

They are not attractive.

They get too much sun.

They get too much rain.

They get too much darkness.

They get too much drought.

They can just be downright HARD.... like the hard soil from which these beautiful flowers were springing.

God's grace has placed us right where we need to be in our lives and wants us to BLOOM where we are planted.

Sometimes its that fertile and well-cared for soil.

But most of the time - it's that neglected soil.

The reason He places us there is to GROW us through the adversity.  To realize that what WE see as infertile is exactly the ground where God's grace pours out on us so that we can bloom right where He has us.

The job that you hate and you struggle to complete the work days.

The class in school we hate.

The marriage that is falling apart.

The friendship that is struggling.

The health problem that consumes us.

The hardship of rearing children.

The dysfunction of a family relationship.

....and any other hard, infertile soil of LIFE in which you may find yourself.

We want to fight it.  We want to say "REALLY, God?"  After all I have tried to do for You and You want me HERE!?"

And He answers, "Yes."

Why?

He sees a pride issue in us.

He sees where we have gotten comfortable in our surroundings and we are not looking to HIM for growth, but the ease of our circumstances.

His grace is seeing the bigger picture of our lives.

His grace sees so much more that we could be or do, but because of our complacency we are not really blooming as much as we should in that fertile soil.

So He places us in that barrenness so that we will look to the LIGHT of the World - Jesus, seek the Living Water, and find nutrients that can only come from His Word so that we might grow and BLOOM where we are planted.

I can look back on life and see times He has taken me to the infertile soil and planted me.  It was not fun.  I became angry at the situation in which He placed me and fought Him (or the circumstance that surrounded being there) because I was convinced it was wrong that I was there!!   HOWEVER.... it forced me to see I could not grow on my own - I was dependent on HIM to grow and not because of my "perfect" surroundings.

I grew more in those infertile soil areas and they became a cherished time for me.  I saw blossoms come forth from my Christian Walk that were never there before in the perfect surroundings.

When He brought me out of the infertile soil and I began to be in the "perfect" soil again, I found that I missed the hard ground.  I missed the struggle - because I began to realize that I grew the MOST when I had to depend on HIS Light, HIS Water, His Nutrients - His Word.

I actually MISSED the hard ground.

I realized that because of the Lord planting me where I did not want to be, He actually allowed me to bloom so much more for Him.

SO... the next time you are struggling with a hard situation.

The next time you want to ask God "Why am I planted HERE?"

Just remember these flowers on the hard soil.  They are blooming even in the midst of ugliness and hardness.

They are blooming where they are planted by God.  He makes no mistakes and there is always a purpose in His plantings.

He is the Master Gardener.

A Chance to Die

I love looking at tombstones.

It may be weird, but I am fascinated by the lives of those written and how long one may have lived.

I feel the excitement of seeing someone who lived to be quite old and I feel the mother's loss of someone who died so young.

When we were at Carolina Beach this summer we went to a local garden which had an old church on the premises.  We were once again drawn to the graveyard next to the church.

I stumbled across this grave and it has spoken to me since.  It was of a set of girls who were young.  Sisters who died close together in dates.  My Mother's Heart was saddened as I thought of the parents and how they felt when they buried their loved ones.

The part that spoke to me the most was what the inscription said underneath the dates of their deaths:

How appropriate, especially in their grief, for the family to state "Truly, in the midst of life we are in death."  

I am sure that many people faced death long ago so much more often than we do in our day.  It was such a part of life from the young to the older.  There were no antibiotics or other medical means in which to save a life as we have today. Even though we still experience death and it is painful, we do not have face it as often as they did.  It truly was such a part of their daily lives.

As I began to muse over that statement, though, it took me to another place.

A spiritual place.

In our life, there must be death of ourselves so that the life of Christ may shine through.  So, truly, in the midst of this life we ARE in death.

The death of ourselves.

I have been reading a lot this summer, as I always desire to do.  In my readings, I am learning more and more about my sin nature and how I must die to it daily.

Unfortunately, that is a daily battle.


What exactly does it mean to be living but be in death at the same time?

Does it mean I am to walk around with a sad look on my face?

Does it mean I am never to have joy or fun times?


No.  


It means just what I wrote above - a daily, continual death of MY thoughts, MY desires, MY wants.

We have this nature inside of us that is determined to get what IT wants and doesn't want to think of what the Lord really wants out of our lives.

The "IT" could be something as simple as a grumble about something not going our way and getting really upset in a situation to demanding what I want and what I need ... or so I think.


How can I be in the midst of life yet die... to myself?


I recently read a short biography of Amy Carmichael, missionary to India in the late 1800's to early 1900's.  It wet my appetite enough that I am searching for a more in-depth biography of her life.  Something in that book made me stop and think about that tombstone above.  You see, Amy Carmichael was born Irish and she had the quick wit and bit of a smart mouth to prove it.  The Lord began to show her that HER ways of handling things were not always the best.

I love this quote the best from the biography I read.  The context was Amy's dealings with a "stuffy old woman" who was sticking her nose in where it did not need to be:

"Amy's Irish temper flared up in a moment.  She wanted to burst out, 'You stuffy old woman! You probably never had a day of fun in your life!  If being a 'true lady' means being like you, I hope I never have to become one!'  But the words never left her mouth.  A voice spoke to her heart, so clearly that it was as if someone were standing by her side, but she knew that the voice came from inside her heart.  'See in this a chance to die,' it said."

"See in this a chance to die."

Those words have stuck with me and the Lord has already brought them to my mind many times.

Die to self.

Die to your own desires.

Die while you are still living so that you will have greater life.

When you want to make that smart remark, see in this a chance to die.

When you want to get even, see in this a chance to die.

When you want to get angry and hold a grudge, see in this a chance to die.

When you want to have your own way, see in this a chance to die.

When your pride wants control, see in this a chance to die.

I love how The Message translates II Corinthians 4:7-12.  We are in our human form - "jars of clay", but when we realize it is Christ Who lives in us and gives us what we need to die to self daily, we benefit all the more:

 7-12 If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That’s to prevent anyone from confusing God’s incomparable power with us. As it is, there’s not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we’re not much to look at. We’ve been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we’re not demoralized; we’re not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we’ve been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn’t left our side; we’ve been thrown down, but we haven’t broken. What they did to Jesus, they do to us—trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us—he lives! Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus’ sake, which makes Jesus’ life all the more evident in us. While we’re going through the worst, you’re getting in on the best!

As the song "Touch the Sky" from Hillsong United states ~ "I found my life when I lay it down." 

See every moment in the midst of life as a chance to die to yourself.

See it as a way for these attributes of God to shine through you as you show Christ through your life:

Selfless

Truthful

Faithful

Mercy

Grace

Galatians 2:20 (NASB)

 I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.

STUCK IN......

This summer, Wesley has been working with my Daddy again at the Vet clinic.  He has been going with him on hauls, cleaning stalls, feeding the animals, digging ditches and whatever else needs to be done.  He has LOVED it.

Last week, Daddy was called to haul a couple of cows from a "farm" in a nearby county that had over 150 animals that had not been taken care of as they should.  Wesley was with Daddy on this haul and it made the local news.  We found this photo of Wesley with another volunteer on the local news web page - Wesley said there were cameras everywhere.  Many people volunteered to help rescue these neglected animals.

Wesley shared with us the story of the picture above. 

There were two cows that he and Daddy were taking to a clinic to get medical attention.  He said he couldn't believe how filthy the place was.  In the above picture you can see the stall in which the cows were living.  Wesley said it had so much waste in it that it was knee-high and that his feet would sink down in the mess.    From what Wesley understood, these cows had been living in this stall for over a year and apparently had not gotten out of it.

He said they had the hardest time trying to get them to come out of the waste and stench.  What struck me the most when Wesley was telling his story, was the fact that the cows did not want to leave that stall!  That was all they had known and they were too scared to leave it!

As Wesley was telling me this story my mind began to think of how, spiritually, we are just like that cow in the above picture. 

We are stuck in the miry waste of our...

past

 

wrong choices

sins

bad habits

...and we are running away instead of seeing God's grace saving us out of them all.  

We become so stuck by Satan with his lies of....

"You are no good because of your past."

"That wrong choice you made is something you will make over and over again...you will never be free from it."

"You really think you can let go of this sin?  It is too good!"

"Your habits are just your personality... you can't help how you were born!"

.... that we become STUCK and choose to stay in the wasted life spiritually instead of being freed to walk in newness of life.

I've been there.  We all have been.

There are still things in my life in which I am STUCK and the Lord is there with His lead rope trying to guide me out of the waste but....

...I am scared to get out of my comfort zone.

...I am scared to let go of the past.

...I am scared to trust that "out there" is better.

How can we be free?

It takes faith.

It takes understanding God loves us and does not want us staying in the wasted days of our past, our choices, the sins that overcome us, or our bad habits.

Just as Wesley and the other gentleman in the picture were trying to free the cow, our loving Savior is desiring to free us from Satan's lies and the sins that so easily keep us STUCK.

John 10:10

The thief comes only to steal, and kill, and destroy; I came that they might have life, and might have it abundantly.

So what are you "STUCK" in today?

In what part of your past, wrong choices, sins or bad habits is Satan keeping YOU stuck today?  

Is the Lord there with His lead rope of His Word trying to get you out, but you are choosing to stay in the muck and the mire?

Let the lead rope of God's Word begin to help you realize that Jesus came and died on the cross to set us FREE - to get us UNSTUCK from this world.  

What He has for us is SO much better.   We just have to trust Him.

 

May Psalm 40:1-5; 16 encourage you today to allow the Lord to help you get UNSTUCK from the pit of Satan's lies:

 (1) I waited patiently for the Lord;
And He inclined to me and heard my cry.

(2) He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay,
And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm.

(3) He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God;
Many will see and fear and will trust in the Lord.

(4) How blessed is the man who has made the Lord his trust,
And has not turned to the proud, nor to those who lapse into falsehood.

(5) Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders which You have done,
And Your thoughts toward us; there is none to compare with You.
If I would declare and speak of them, they would be too numerous to count.

(16) Let all who seek You rejoice and be glad in You;
Let those who love Your salvation say continually,
“The Lord be magnified!” 

My Marriage is Broken

My marriage truly is broken.... let me explain.

Last week I began cleaning out our bedroom.

Deep-cleaning.

Something that hadn't been done in a mighty long time.  In fact, I think the last time it was really deep cleaned was when we repainted it...

YEARS AGO.

Insert reason why, here:

For the last few summers I have been busy with school projects or, like last summer, chose to spend most of my time at Jesus' feet. 

I needed that time to sit at Jesus' feet.  I needed that time of learning more of Him.

Now moving on to the topic at hand:

As I began deep cleaning our room, the Lord began working in my heart, too.

I have heard others say that a couples' bedroom should not be junky and filled with stuff as it should be your retreat as a couple.

Our bedroom was just the opposite: 

It was filled with all of the books and devotionals I have been reading.  

It was (and still can be) the stockpile of clothing needing to be folded.  

It  had so much dust in it I had an allergic reaction just thinking about cleaning.

It had photography stuff piled high.

It had clothing and shoes in various places instead of where it needed to be.

It was filled with a reflection of  a busy LIFE.

I dreaded the task.

But I knew it had to be done and I was determined that the summer would not get going too far before I tackled the job.

As I was cleaning, I began to reflect that mine and Steve's marriage had become just like our room. 

It was filled with time away from each other doing our jobs.

It was filled with responsibilities of raising the kids.

It was filled with exhaustion.

It was filled with things we didn't even realize about each other - even after being married so long.

It was filled with love, but a love that was dusty because of a busy LIFE.

That is, until the Lord began to do some deep cleaning.

Steve and I have been together for 24 years and married for 22 years.  You would think by now that we would have this marriage thing down pat and everything was going great....

Except, we are just now realizing more and more that we are two people still learning to live together and follow the Lord.

The Lord has led Steve and I to realize that we were taking each other for granted.  We had become so used to the other being there that deep down we let dust settle on our relationship.

He has revealed lies from Satan that have caused us to still trust in ourselves from time to time instead of lean on the Lord and each other.

He has shown us that we are just two broken, sinful people who are married and living together.


The Lord's deep-cleaning has been hard and there have been days where we felt the "vacuum" He was using was sucking us empty and dry.  There were days He broke us to a point where we didn't think we would ever be whole again.

BUT....

Just as I had to empty our room of all the junk and vacuum/dust areas that had been long neglected, and had to break away from some things that I didn't need anymore, God had to empty and break our marriage of ourselves in order to fill us with the pureness of Who He is and what HE wants us to be as a couple.

I think this song came out in 2014 but it wasn't until the last few months that I actually heard it and it was so fitting for what the Lord was showing Steve and I in our deep cleaning.

We are broken.  Yes.

But we are broken - TOGETHER.

The journey of marriage is lifelong.  That is why marriage is so precious.

It takes work.

I love Steve now more than ever because of the deep cleansing journey on which the Lord has taken us.  

After the Lord showed us how broken we were He allowed us to see we are stronger when we are BROKEN TOGETHER - with the Lord.

Grace ~ What is so amazing about it?

Grace.

What is so amazing about that word?

The most popular way of hearing about it in our world today is the song "Amazing Grace" that is so overwhelmingly sung... but not always practiced.

Amazing Grace!
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind but now I see

'Twas Grace that taught my heart to fear
And Grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

Amazing grace, indeed.

We want grace.

We expect grace to be shown.

BUT.

Do we really understand and grasp "GRACE?"

The definitions of grace:

mercy; clemency; pardon:  

a manifestation of favor, especially by a superior:  

favor or goodwill.

In the last few months the Lord has been taking me on a journey of learning more about His grace, and the grace I must show others.

I have re-read Philip Yancey's book:

And then the Lord led me to read Max Lucado's book:

I know as a child I grew up singing the song "Grace that is greater than all my sin".... but I must admit that until recently did I fully grasp what that meant.  And I am not sure I will ever fully understand grace until I see my Savior face-to-face.

In many parts of our world today, if you mess up in life, you are not shown much grace.  We seem to expect it and even demand it at times, but grace is so much more.  Philip Yancey states it this way:

"Many years ago I was driven to the conclusion that the two major causes of most emotional problems among evangelical Christians are these: the failure to understand, receive, and live out God's unconditional grace and forgiveness; and the failure to give out that unconditional love, forgiveness, and grace to other people... We read, we hear, we believe a good theology of grace.  But that's not the way we live.  The good news of the Gospel of grace has not penetrated the level of our emotions." 

I have had to do some soul searching in recent months to fully comprehend what grace was shown upon me from my Savior and what grace I must show to others.

Our past likes to creep up on us.

We all have moments in our past that we wish we could "do over."

We all have times in our lives where we wish it could be blotted out for good.

And, for those who know Christ as Savior, it HAS.

It is because His grace covers it all.  

It covers the past like it covers our present and our future.

And because of God's grace, He reveals those sins in us and uses them to change us into His image.  HIS GRACE uses our mistakes for HIS GLORY.

God's Word is FULL of mentions of His grace and we can so easily take it for ourselves and be so glad our own sin is forgiven.

At the same time, we can be holding on to condemnation and not show any grace to others who may fall into:

Sexual impurity - with minors, impurity before marriage and adultery during marriage.  

Pornographic addictions.

Drug and alcohol addictions.

The lying tongue.

Gluttony.

Murder.

Thievery.

The list could go on....including our "every day" sins of pride, hardheartedness, greed, and anger.

 

In a world given much grace, we surely do not like to believe someone could be covered by it and change.  



I will be the first to say that I still battle often the urge to base what I think of someone solely on what I know he/she did in the past.

Thankfully, that is not what my Savior has done for me.

Psalm 103:8-14 is full of the showing of His grace:

The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
Slow to anger and abounding in loving kindness.

He will not always strive with us,
Nor will He keep His anger forever. 

 He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
Nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. 

 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
So great is His loving kindness toward those who fear Him. 

 As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.

Just as a father has compassion on his children,
So the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him.

For He Himself knows our frame;
He is mindful that we are but dust.

How is it that we, who have been forgiven much and shown much grace, not show that grace to others?

If our Heavenly Father, Who created us, against Whom we sin, can forgive us and show us grace - and choose to remember it no more....

Max Lucado says it quite eloquently:

"God didn't overlook your sins, lest He endorse them.  He didn't punish you, lest He destroy you.  He instead found a way to punish the sin and preserve the sinner.  Jesus took your punishment, and God gave you the credit for Jesus' perfection."

"As long as the cross is God's gift to the world, it will touch you but not change you.  Precious as it is to proclaim, 'Christ died for the world,' even sweeter it is to whisper, 'Christ died for me.'"

"Thank God for the day Jesus took your place, for the day grace happened to you."

I know I am still a work in progress in understanding how to show that grace that has been shown to me.

We are called to show grace - unmerited favor - to others. 

It is then that we may become yet another definition of grace:

elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action: 

a pleasing or attractive quality or endowment: 

I don't know about you, but I know my Lord desires for me to reflect Him more and more as I get closer to seeing Him face-to-face.  Those definitions above show a good picture of what that looks like and how we can, by God's grace, lead others to Him.

Ever Feel Like a Failure.... Anyone? Anyone?

Ever feel like a failure?

Ever look at your life and wonder how it has been useful?

Unfortunately for me, I have lived there most of my life.

I used to say my brother was the smart one and I just got the leftovers....

You see...

I have lived most of my life under the lie that I must have everything perfect in my life in order for things to be "right."

The Lord has brought me far in relinquishing this lie, but....


To this day I still struggle with:

My house and the fact that, especially during school, it looks like a tornado went through it then a bomb was set off.  Yes, I learned as a child that everything should have its place, but reality is that unless Kellie sees it she forgets about it so therefore everything is EVERYWHERE.  There are some weeks I don't know which end is up in my house and have found that I just survive from one day to the next.

My laundry is always piled high in the "Mount Everest" form on my dresser.  Nothing neat and "in place" like the picture below.  Steve and I began to joke about playing hide and go seek in the laundry for him to find a pair of socks.

I don't cook much at my house.  Steve does.  I feel as if that is a huge chunk of what a mother "should" do.  Steve graciously took that over a few years back when I was so overwhelmed with it all.  While I am SO grateful, there is not a day that goes by that I don't struggle and feel guilty.  I feel less than the mother and wife I should be.   When other mother's talk about what they are cooking I feel like I should be ashamed for not performing all of that for my family.

Then there is just the basics of my family - especially of the rearing of Wesley and Mikayla.  There are days I feel I have failed my children in some way of not being what I should be for them.  I feel the same as far as being a wife.  Let's just say that the Proverbs 31 woman is nigh near to impossible.  I don't know how that woman did it.  I surely can never measure up to her.

And let's not forget school.... the place God has called me to be, but yet I feel so inadequate to meet the needs of all that is before me each day.  Technology is changing and there is always a learning curve.  There is the part of me that is still "old school" and firmly believes in that, however, I accept and enjoy the challenges of learning something new.  This is all on top of figuring out 21 precious ones and being all I can be for them.  

On top of all of this, I am trying to learn to be who I am in Christ.  I am trying to draw closer to the One Who made me.  I am trying to find the time to be still before Him without feeling as though I am neglecting something else.


Let's also throw in how there is a comparison to others.  Others who have a greater talent.  Others who can keep their house "just so", others that seem to always have everything they want....  OR SO IT SEEMS.

It is a struggle.

It feels like I am failing most days.

And that is where Satan wants me.

As of late, I have felt like this battle scene from the Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe (don't feel you have to watch it all, but please watch some of it....)

 

Satan has been throwing "failure" darts at me every time I have turned around, just as we see the White Witch and her army battling Peter and Edmund in the movie.

He has wanted me to feel like a failure.

He has wanted me to feel as if I will never reach that Proverbs 31 woman.


Lately, the Lord has given me this verse to remind me that it isn't about ME at all.  I have known that all along - but as we all know, Satan likes to keep us in our chains of bondage.

I AM going to fail at ALL of what I mentioned above when I forget that I am from God. 

I have overcome it all because GREATER is HE that is in me than he that is in the world.

It's not "greater am I because of myself ", upon which we humans like to depend most of the time.

I can do ALL things because of Christ, Who lives in me, and gives me the strength I need to put one foot in front of the other.

He gives me the strength to quench those fiery darts of Satan.

He comes to me in the middle of my battles just as Aslan did in the above movie for Peter and Edmund.  

I have felt Him in such a great way in the past months.  He has shown me more and more of Himself and how much I desperately need Him. 

• It really doesn't matter if my house is not immaculate.  I don't live in a museum anyway!
• It really doesn't matter if I have "Mount Everest" of laundry on my dresser most of the time.
• It really doesn't matter that I don't cook much.
• It really doesn't matter that technology is changing each second.
• It really doesn't matter that I don't do everything I *think* I should be doing.

In thinking of eternity and the fact that this world will pass away - IT. REALLY. DOESN'T. MATTER.

What matters then?

My time with Christ.

My realization that only through Him can I accomplish what NEEDS to happen.

My understanding that this world will pass away - and all of the Mount Everest laundry mountains with it.

My desire to do all things to the best of my ability with Christ's strength.

The fact that my personal children tell me "Thank you for helping me in my Christian life and how to read God's Word."  

The other fact that my students tell me "Bible time is my favorite."

I AM doing what I was called to do.  

And while I am certainly not perfect, I am sharing the love of Christ with the next generation of my family as well as my students. 

I am FROM GOD.

Nothing matters but HIM because HE is greater and lives in ME.

I have clung to this song for the past 6 months in my battles of feeling like I have failed.  What a perfect reminder that The Lion of Judah is already there in the battle and I have won because of HIM. Enjoy: