Ever feel like a failure?
Ever look at your life and wonder how it has been useful?
Unfortunately for me, I have lived there most of my life.
I used to say my brother was the smart one and I just got the leftovers....
You see...
I have lived most of my life under the lie that I must have everything perfect in my life in order for things to be "right."
The Lord has brought me far in relinquishing this lie, but....
To this day I still struggle with:
My house and the fact that, especially during school, it looks like a tornado went through it then a bomb was set off. Yes, I learned as a child that everything should have its place, but reality is that unless Kellie sees it she forgets about it so therefore everything is EVERYWHERE. There are some weeks I don't know which end is up in my house and have found that I just survive from one day to the next.
My laundry is always piled high in the "Mount Everest" form on my dresser. Nothing neat and "in place" like the picture below. Steve and I began to joke about playing hide and go seek in the laundry for him to find a pair of socks.
I don't cook much at my house. Steve does. I feel as if that is a huge chunk of what a mother "should" do. Steve graciously took that over a few years back when I was so overwhelmed with it all. While I am SO grateful, there is not a day that goes by that I don't struggle and feel guilty. I feel less than the mother and wife I should be. When other mother's talk about what they are cooking I feel like I should be ashamed for not performing all of that for my family.
Then there is just the basics of my family - especially of the rearing of Wesley and Mikayla. There are days I feel I have failed my children in some way of not being what I should be for them. I feel the same as far as being a wife. Let's just say that the Proverbs 31 woman is nigh near to impossible. I don't know how that woman did it. I surely can never measure up to her.
And let's not forget school.... the place God has called me to be, but yet I feel so inadequate to meet the needs of all that is before me each day. Technology is changing and there is always a learning curve. There is the part of me that is still "old school" and firmly believes in that, however, I accept and enjoy the challenges of learning something new. This is all on top of figuring out 21 precious ones and being all I can be for them.
On top of all of this, I am trying to learn to be who I am in Christ. I am trying to draw closer to the One Who made me. I am trying to find the time to be still before Him without feeling as though I am neglecting something else.
Let's also throw in how there is a comparison to others. Others who have a greater talent. Others who can keep their house "just so", others that seem to always have everything they want.... OR SO IT SEEMS.
It is a struggle.
It feels like I am failing most days.
And that is where Satan wants me.
As of late, I have felt like this battle scene from the Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe (don't feel you have to watch it all, but please watch some of it....)
Satan has been throwing "failure" darts at me every time I have turned around, just as we see the White Witch and her army battling Peter and Edmund in the movie.
He has wanted me to feel like a failure.
He has wanted me to feel as if I will never reach that Proverbs 31 woman.
Lately, the Lord has given me this verse to remind me that it isn't about ME at all. I have known that all along - but as we all know, Satan likes to keep us in our chains of bondage.
I AM going to fail at ALL of what I mentioned above when I forget that I am from God.
I have overcome it all because GREATER is HE that is in me than he that is in the world.
It's not "greater am I because of myself ", upon which we humans like to depend most of the time.
I can do ALL things because of Christ, Who lives in me, and gives me the strength I need to put one foot in front of the other.
He gives me the strength to quench those fiery darts of Satan.
He comes to me in the middle of my battles just as Aslan did in the above movie for Peter and Edmund.
I have felt Him in such a great way in the past months. He has shown me more and more of Himself and how much I desperately need Him.
- It really doesn't matter if my house is not immaculate. I don't live in a museum anyway!
- It really doesn't matter if I have "Mount Everest" of laundry on my dresser most of the time.
- It really doesn't matter that I don't cook much.
- It really doesn't matter that technology is changing each second.
- It really doesn't matter that I don't do everything I *think* I should be doing.
What matters then?
My time with Christ.
My realization that only through Him can I accomplish what NEEDS to happen.
My understanding that this world will pass away - and all of the Mount Everest laundry mountains with it.
My desire to do all things to the best of my ability with Christ's strength.
The fact that my personal children tell me "Thank you for helping me in my Christian life and how to read God's Word."
The other fact that my students tell me "Bible time is my favorite."
I AM doing what I was called to do.
And while I am certainly not perfect, I am sharing the love of Christ with the next generation of my family as well as my students.
I am FROM GOD.
Nothing matters but HIM because HE is greater and lives in ME.
I have clung to this song for the past 6 months in my battles of feeling like I have failed. What a perfect reminder that The Lion of Judah is already there in the battle and I have won because of HIM. Enjoy:
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