Walking Away to Breathe

 I am walking away from this year. I am walking away with a much different perspective than a year ago. 

The picture below gives a picture of what this year has felt like in my walk. I have felt like I was on a beach with sand ebbing and flowing between my feet. I have felt the shells and rocks under my feet and was unstable as I tried to walk over them. My feet stumbled along the way on many occasions and at many points I felt that I would drown. I FELT all of those things. However, I just kept walking.

I have mentioned this in my writing before, but when Daddy became ready for hospice, a dear friend asked me what I was thinking, to which I replied, "I just want to keep walking away and never stop."

I know that walking is good for you. I know that walking produces endurance and strength. I know that walking allows the heart to get stronger.

I know....

....but even though I know how good walking can be, walking away from it all just has not seemed to happen. The walking has been laborious and I have found myself just trying to take the next step. 

As I am looking back on this year - and even just the last two years - I have found I have inwardly been wanting to walk away to breathe. I know I am not alone.

I have felt as if I have been holding my breath which does not help with the walking.

The Lord gave me "steadfast/faithful" as my word of meditation for this year. As I am walking away from another year of breath-holding, I truly say if it were not for the Lord's steadfast and faithful love, I would not have made it. I did not have the brain energy to do a lot of deep study in God's Word this year. I literally clung to Him with all I had.

He has kept me walking when I wanted to stop. 

He has kept me together when I felt like I was breaking and falling bit-by-bit on the road I was traveling.

He has understood my weakness and carried me when I had no energy to keep walking.

He has kept my mind focused on Him even when there were trip-hazards in my journey. 

He has truly been the rock-solid and faithful pathway as I have walked through this year of uncertainty, loss, and overwhelming stress. 

Because He is steadfast and faithful, HE KNOWS and while I was out walking recently, the Lord reminded me of His faithfulness in a song. Because He is faithful, I can KNOW He is always there.

I KNOW

by 

Hank Bentley / Michael David Weaver / Benji Cowart 

You don't answer all my questions

But You hear me when I speak

You don't keep my heart from breakin'

But when it does, You weep with me

You're so close that I can feel You

When I've lost the words to pray

And though my eyes have never seen You

I've seen enough to say

I know that You are good

I know that You are kind

I know that You are so much more

Than what I leave behind

I know that I am loved

I know that I am safe

'Cause even in the fire, to live is Christ, to die is gain

I know that You are good

I don't understand the sorrow

But You're calm within the storm

Sometimes this weight is overwhelming

But I don't carry it alone

You're still close when I can't feel You

I don't have to be afraid

And though my eyes have never seen You

I've seen enough to say

I know that You are good

I know that You are kind

I know that You are so much more

Than what I leave behind

I know that I am loved

I know that I am safe

'Cause even in the fire, to live is Christ, to die is gain

I know that You are good

You are good

I know

On my darkest day

From my deepest pain

Through it all, my heart, will choose to sing Your praise

On my darkest day

From my deepest pain

Through it all, my heart, will choose to sing Your praise

On my darkest day

In my deepest pain

Through it all, my heart, will choose to sing Your praise

I know that You are good

I know that You are kind

I know that You are so much more

Than what I leave behind

I know that I am loved

I know that I am safe

'Cause even in the fire, to live is Christ, to die is gain

I know that You are good

I know that You are good

I know

I will speak truth here - the year unfolding in front of me has resurrected some fear and wondering if I am going to stumble and fall through another. BUT...

The Lord has been so good and faithful throughout my walking through this year that I know He will do so in the next. I know that He is with me and is GOOD. 

Because He has been so faithful and good, my heart's cry for next year is devotion to Him. He has shown me from Psalm 119 that this is the passage where I will gain much wisdom from Him in the coming year. 

It has already brought me comfort as I have been walking through it in the last bit of time. I am excited for how the Lord will allow me to keep walking. And I will not necessarily be walking AWAY from stress and life, but walking TOWARD more intimacy with Him. Pursuing Him and walking alongside of Him to learn more from Him than just how to take the next step. Walking with the ability to inhale and exhale because I am tired of holding my breath. 

As I bid farewell to another year, I am choosing to walk away from 2021 and BREATHE.

Psalm 119:45 

I will walk freely in an open place

because I study your precepts.

Broken to Be Strengthened

It would be fair to say that no person likes being broken. Brokenness causes one to feel weak and vulnerable. It can make one feel out of control.

For the last couple of years, I have felt that brokenness has become as much a part of life as breathing. I have watched others suffer through broken dreams, health, or life in general. Our world has felt broken throughout the pandemic and the lack of community we have had to face. Personally, I have experienced a brokenness that I never fully grasped until I held my Daddy's hand as he slipped from this world, leaving his own broken body to become whole again in the hands of His Savior. I know I am not alone in that feeling...so many people I know have walked this same path in the last eighteen months.

For a time after the last school year and my Daddy's home going, I could only see the brokenness of my heart. I kept searching for Scripture to help me through it. I found some beautiful passages that stood out to me during that time:

Psalm 34:18 - The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Psalm 147:3 - He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Isaiah 61:1 -The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;

While they were so beautiful, and ones to which I clung, what was interesting to me is that these Scriptures were the only ones I found that specifically spoke about the brokenhearted. At that point, I was so consumed in my broken heart that I was frustrated with the Lord for not having more verses referring to "brokenhearted" in Scripture. 

It was then that the Lord used a good friend to begin showing me why. 

A month to the day after my Daddy's passing was a hard one. School was now over and I had more time on my hands. The finality of his home-going was sinking in and I was crumbling as I had more time to be consumed with my broken heart. I wanted to stay in the broken pieces that had become my life. I was supposed to visit my friend that day but did not want to go. I had to make myself get in the vehicle and go see her. The Lord knew how much I needed her on that specific day and it still amazes me of His timing. This time to spend with her had been scheduled for a long while.

As I sat with her, falling apart on the inside and showing my brokenness on the outside, she so gently reminded me that I was trying to be strong on my own. Of course I was broken! I had just walked through a tough school year and the passing of my Daddy. But I needed to stop looking at the brokenness and see the strength of the Lord that had gotten me through it all. She reminded me I needed to rest physically and also REST in the Lord. 

This picture was one I had taken for a devotion years ago. I used my Daddy's hands because I always loved his hands and how strong they were. They were a common connection with anyone who met him because his hands could grip you so tightly you KNEW you had shaken his hand! He had been a dairy farmer for over 40 years so his hands were tough. He held that strength, even through his years of sickness and in hospice, until a day or so before he passed away. I held his hand as long as I was able throughout his last days. I clung to his strength. I was not quite sure what to do with myself when the strength left his hands and he was gone. 

When looking at this picture after Daddy's home-going, all I could see were the broken pieces in his hands. After my friend so gently reminded me it was not for me to be strong right now in my brokenness, but to let the Lord be my strength, I began to view this picture again for what I had originally desired to convey over a decade ago. I had missed out on the most important part - my Daddy's loving hands were holding the brokenness! Those pieces are resting in his hands.

The Lord used my earthly Daddy's hands to remind me of my Heavenly Abba Father's hands. The Lord was holding me in all my brokenness. HE would be my strength when I was falling apart. HE would be the One to hold me and allow my broken heart to rest in His strength and not my own. 

It was then that the Lord gently reminded me how many times the word "strength"is found in Scripture that deals with HIS strength and not human strength. I had been blinded to it because of life's circumstances. The Lord showed me deeper that I was looking at my brokenness from the wrong point of view - my own. I was focused on the broken pieces instead of on the hands underneath the brokenness that were holding me and giving me strength to keep going.

What I have continued to learn through this is that the Lord views brokenness differently. He sees that broken is actually more beautiful and useful than in its original state because it is depending on something else to hold it in place. While the breaking is overwhelming and debilitating at times, the end result is a deeper understanding that He holds us and we must be strengthened by HIM alone. The Lord knows what it feels like to be broken - He was broken for you and me on the cross:

I Corinthians 11:24 - And when he had given thanks, he brake it, and said, Take, eat: this is my body, which is broken for you: this do in remembrance of me.

I needed to remember He was broken for me so I can trust that He knows how to hold me.

After I began seeing the Lord's hands underneath my brokenness, the Lord began repeating this verse to my heart over the summer: 

The picture of Daddy's hands I took over a decade ago are able to be used again to show the Lord's truth. The hands of the Lord that are holding me will never lose their strength. I can always rest in them no matter how much my flesh or heart fail me because HE is my strength. 

Friend, how are you feeling right now? Are you only seeing the broken pieces? Are you struggling to find rest because the brokenness is overwhelming? Keep your eyes on the hands underneath your brokenness. They are what give you strength when your flesh and heart fail. They are forever. 

Rest in His strength.

Here is a song the Lord had me play on repeat over the summer. There is a bright side to being broken.

A Lesson in Shoes

I had gotten some new tennis shoes last fall. When I first got the shoes and exercise-walked in them I found that blisters appeared. However, because they were new shoes at that time I just figured that I was breaking them in and they would be fine in time. Well, the walking for exercise went by the wayside between rain, stress, and emotionally experiencing Daddy's home going. I knew when summer started they should have been "broken in" with regular use to help me get back into my exercise routine this summer. 

After my Daddy's death and the end of a stressful school year, I began walking for exercise again. I enjoyed walking four miles at a time - it was cathartic. I honestly wanted to just keep walking and never stop - I wanted to walk away from the pain and stress of the past year and begin to feel alive again. After I had walked those first four miles, I developed blisters on my feet! I thought my shoes had been worn enough to have gone through the breaking-in period and not be giving me blisters. I decided I was trying to walk too fast too soon and should just slow down and pace myself.

The next time I walked, I bandaged the blisters, used a balm on my feet to protect from more blisters, and tied my shoes up tighter to ensure they were not slipping. Unfortunately, I came home with even more blisters - and even irritated the blisters that I thought I had protected. It became so awful that I could not go for my walks and even struggled to stand in any kind of shoe! I felt like my time of healing came to an abrupt stop.

It was suggested to me that I get my shoes checked out because it appeared that the shoes were causing the problem and not how I was walking in them. I had bought these same types of shoes for so long that I did not know how they could be wrong for me, but I was willing to check it out. The guy that helped me at the shoe store showed me that the shoes I had were the correct type of shoe for how my feet are formed and how I walk. However, my shoes may not have been in the shape I assumed when I bought them. To be economical, I bought the shoes online and they were probably the ones released from a few years ago. He told me that shoes over a year old can be stored in warehouses that are not heat/cold controlled. The varying temperatures can actually break down the shoe and what you think you are buying is actually not what you thought! 

After purchasing new shoes - and a new brand - I began my walking again and my feet felt secure. My blisters were still there but protected. I finally was able to get back out and walk with strength and purpose. I still have the scars of those blisters at the time of this writing, but they are healing and revealing healthy skin.

As I began walking again, and was able to begin healing emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually, the Lord reminded me of this passage of Scripture: Ephesians 6:10-17

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. 

Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. 

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. 

Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. 

Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness,  

and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. 

In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; 

and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God,

If your feet are not well, it causes the whole body to suffer. I struggled to stand on my feet when my blisters were inflamed - and it did not matter whether I was barefoot or wearing different shoes - my whole body felt them. Nothing I did on my own helped keep away the blisters - I had on the wrong shoes! This above portion of Scripture is recognizable for many believers. I have listened to many pastors preach on each one of these pieces of armor. As I dealt with my shoe problems this summer, I began to more deeply understand the shoes of our spiritual armor needing to be ones of PEACE. 

In the passage above, the Apostle Paul used the example of the Roman soldier to help convey the importance of putting on our Armor of God for the spiritual battles we face. The Lord has the armor ready for us, but we must choose to put each one on to protect us as we do battle every day. We definitely have to have on our "Belt of Truth" and "Breastplate of Righteousness" as they are foundational to our ability to fight spiritual battles successfully. However, I have found that the shoes do not always get the same discussions as those top two.

The word "stand" is used repeatedly in Ephesians 6:10-17. Obviously, a soldier would need to stand strong in the face of the battle - and we have to take stands in our spiritual battles. How do we stand well without the right shoes? How do we walk forward into battle with irritating blisters that have come from those wrong shoes? 

This caused me to ponder.

Am I wearing shoes in my spiritual battles that are the right fit but might be old models of the past?

Have the shoes been ones of things I learned a few years ago from God's Word? Had those gone through the hot and cold of trials in life and lost their stability so that as I began to walk my feet were not as secure as I once thought? 

Am I getting spiritual blisters on my feet because of those ill-fitting shoes? 

Where can I find shoes of PEACE?

I cannot depend on what was the "spiritual model" from years ago. Past spiritual models may cause friction of pride, depression, anger, or disobedience and create blisters that will inhibit me from standing and walking well in my spiritual battle. No matter what I may use to help heal the blisters on my own will fail if the shoes are the problem! 

The shoes of peace can only be found by staying close to God's Word and allowing Him to reveal the best fit for me at that time in my life. Only He can heal the blisters from the past and help me to stand firm while walking with Him.

What shoes are you wearing?

Beauty in the Chaos

My husband has the "green thumb" at our house. He always does an amazing job in the yard and I appreciate so much the beauty that I see as we walk up to our front door or drive up the driveway.

This year the flower planting took on a different twist. With our very stressful season of life he decided it would be easier to plant wildflower seeds in the flower beds by our front porch. I was excited to see what would happen with them and we began watching them grow. 

I trusted that what my husband had sown into the ground was really what he said. The problem we found is that they appear as just a lot of green plants at first and they all look the same! When they were first growing, I could not always recognize the wildflowers from the weeds, but my husband could recognize most of the weeds and was able to separate them out from the actual wildflowers. Even that became challenging as they got bigger! 

I would look out the front windows or sit on the porch looking at what was growing taller and taller. All that it showed was more mess than beauty. I began to wonder if anything was really going to come from this growing chaos. However, I had to remember that they are called "WILDflowers" for a reason! Let's just say the walk to our front door this summer has not been so neat and orderly!

Then, one day, a bloom appeared. It was only one. I was sitting at the dining room table which is right by the front porch and it captured my attention. The one bloom was going to be white and I decided to watch it for the next couple of days to enjoy the beauty unfold. It became like a daily present - to view the beauty that was happening in the midst of the chaos. I knew I needed to capture this beauty because I was not sure how many I would actually get to see! I was in awe while looking through my camera lens at what was being shown in the messy chaos. 

At first I thought the only flowers would be the white ones and was glad I was at least seeing some version of beauty, but each day a colorful variation of the original white flower began to open. During the growing times I looked at the growth of the original flowers and saw different flowers blooming underneath. I had to move back some of the taller stems and see them but they were there bursting forth with color and detail! Others really were hidden and I had to search for them. They were being overshadowed by the taller "mess" of the now-blooming wildflower. I even found out that some of the weeds intermingled through the wildness began to bloom and I began to appreciate their beauty as well.  

I decided to keep my camera close so that I could go out in the mornings and capture the newest surprises. What I thought was going to just be chaos ended up being one of the highlights of my days. There really was beauty in the chaos. I just had to look for it.

Through these wildflowers, the Lord has been showing me more of Himself. I have felt like my world has been in chaos for so long. I sometimes wonder if it will ever go back to being "orderly" again. 

Life can feel like how these wildflowers grow. Instead of life being "planted" decently and in order, the seeds of life are scattered in the ground and it becomes a messy time of growth. There are unwanted "weeds" of circumstances that come up in the middle of it all and it can be hard to know the difference between what has been planted and what is rising out of the soil wanting to choke out all that is rooted and growing. Chaos ensues and it can feel as if beauty will never come from any of it! 

Life certainly is wild and chaotic. It is important that we learn to trust where the Lord has planted us to see the beauty He has for us.

Sometimes the beauty is easy to see. 

Sometimes it takes searching to find the beauty because it can be overshadowed with the chaos. 

And sometimes beauty can even come from the weeds....just like this one I captured below.

The Woman in the Mirror

 I must begin with this verse:

I Samuel 16:7 But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

Do you want to know how many times I have taught this verse to my students? How have I desired to help them understand that the outward appearance is not what is most important but it is the heart? How about at least 27 times for the 27 years I have been teaching on top of the "Momma Moments" I have shared it with my own children.

Why is it that it has taken me till just now to fully absorb this truth in a way the Lord kind of had to knock me over the head with it? As with anything with the Lord, I am accepting that this was my time to understand it more deeply so that I may also share this truth with others.

The other day, I was in a changing room in a store trying on clothes. The woman I saw in the mirror is NOT what I used to see. The woman in front of me had wrinkles and rolls. She could not fit into things that once would have been loose. She had to figure out her size was different and certain items did not fit the way they once did. I was frustrated with that woman. She was not who I thought I would be at this point in my life.

I would not call myself obese as I have now hit the "50 years" mark, but I also know I am not what I once was! In my younger days I was always skinny. The "I-can-eat-anything-I-want-and-still-be-skinny" skinny. If I wanted a burger, fries, and a shake, I would eat it and nothing was added to my outside figure. I did not have to exercise in order to maintain anything. I thought I would always enjoy that freedom. 

While I have learned with age that my body will never be that way again, it does not mean I have sat back and allowed everything to go out of control. I still want to eat as best as possible and exercise. Yet, even with all of that, I still am not able to be what I once was. That has been frustrating to me in so many ways - and I am sure many of you women reading this can relate. My husband can drop five pounds in one workout and I struggle to lose that amount in five months! 

However, in gazing at myself in that mirror, the Lord began to teach me more deeply I should be thankful for the woman I am seeing in the mirror. That woman is not the one she used to be on the outside - but she is definitely not the one on the inside, either. The freedom I now have is so much better than the bondage I now realize I had before. I have changed and it is good.

The skinnier version of me was not the healthiest on the inside. I thought I could ingest all kinds of "junk"  and still look the same on the outside. What I outwardly showed was actually a distorted view of the real me. The Lord had to help the skinny me actually put on some weight to make the inside of me healthier.

The skinnier me used to:

See herself as so much better than others because of what I looked like on the outside.

Never need to exercise because I could handle my weight and how I looked on my own.

Not understand how much a person's struggles defines them.

Spiritually eat the junk of this world and not change on the outside.

Think I could take a quick bite of Scripture and become a vision of loveliness.

The Lord had to put on some weight of struggle and hardship in my life to help me become a healthier me on the inside. My spiritual diet began to change when those struggles came along. 

The weight of struggle and hardship taught me to:

See in the mirror of God's Word who I really was - a broken and fragile human in need of grace from my Savior. 

Understand that I could not handle the weight of the world on my own. I needed the strength of the Lord during the struggles and hardships because those were the best exercises to give more definition to my spiritual muscles.

Spiritually feed on God's Word to strengthen me inwardly so that I would change and therefore show a different me on the outside, too. 

Find that slowly ingesting the rich nutrients of Scripture allows me to become that vision of loveliness.

So the me I used to know and see in that mirror is not really the me I want to be. While I still want to eat right and take care of my physical body because it is the Lord's temple, I also need to be thankful for the wrinkles, rolls, and not being able to fit into what I used to wear. Those things mean I have grown in the Lord. I am a woman who has had the Lord walk her through hard times, fears, sadness, griefs, and triumphs. I have gained valuable spiritual weight that has strengthened my heart and allowed me to be more beautiful in my outward appearance. 

To the woman in the mirror looking at me - you are more free and beautiful than you have ever been. While the outside looks a little different, be thankful. You are viewed by your Heavenly Father by what has changed on the inside.  

Growing in Grief

 Grief.

We all go through it at some point in our lives. Some grief is mild while other grief is painstakingly difficult and does not go away easily. 

Some of you will definitely relate to some of what I will share. Others of you may only share in one or two, while a rare few may not have really experienced any yet.

I, personally, have found that the last fifteen months have been filled with grief in one way or another.

The grief of:

March 2020 to "present": Covid and the Quarantine.

March-May 2020: Losing the last nine weeks with my 2019/2020 second grade class.

March 2020-until recently: Not having the ability to be with others for an extended period of time.

May 2020-August 2020: Preparing for the 2020/2021 school year with so many uncertainties.

July 2020-August 2020: Going to get our son from his agriculture internship when he came down with a severe case of Mono; two weeks later taking my daughter to the ER for abdominal pain that, thankfully, revealed a cyst that was benign, and then two weeks after that, taking my son recovering from Mono to the ER and him having to have his appendix removed - the day before I started my 2020/2021 school year.

August 2020: Understanding the fact that the school year was going to be SO different and feeling the loss of what was normal.

August 2020-May 2021: Wearing a mask all of the time.

August 2020-May 2021: Having to be more distant from my students when I am a hugger.

For a while now: Watching my parents age and one become more unsteady.

November 2020: Having our horse, Mr. Deeds, get sick right after Thanksgiving.

December 2020: Bringing home Deeds from the NC State Vet Hospital and a day later having to unexpectedly put down our 10 year old Golden Retriever, Molly, because of cancer found.

December 2020: Finding out the next week that Deeds had tested positive for salmonella while at the Vet Hospital and would have to be quarantined for thirty days. 

August 2020-May 2021: Feeling so overwhelmed because of the stress of the abnormal school year.

Wearing a mask all of the time. (Yes, it bears repeating.)

Moving into the 2021 new year with great hopes of relief only to realize things did not quickly improve.

March 2021: Getting the phone call that my Daddy had fallen and this time it was different.

March 2021-May 2021: Going to hospice to visit Daddy most everyday for 6 weeks.

Watching Daddy get weaker and weaker while trying to stay stronger and stronger.

May 8, 2021: Holding Daddy's hand when he took his last breath.

May 2021: Going through the out-patient surgery with my daughter to take care of the cyst found last summer that decided to flare up again.

May 2021: Ending a school year that was exhausting.

June 2021: Thinking that finally grief was going to begin subsiding only to get a call early this past Monday morning telling us my Father-in-law had unexpectedly passed away.

Walking down yet another road to say goodbye to someone we loved. 

As I typed out that above list, it kept growing and growing! The list is not to say I am the only one who has faced hard challenges, but rather a way for me to look back on all the Lord has brought us through.

I could look at "growing in grief"in the negative - that it seems to keep growing and coming at me and my family. Remember Job in Scriptures? I must admit that I have felt a small part of what he must have gone through.

However, the Lord has been working in my heart and life over these last difficult months to see "Growing in Grief" as something positive.  

The pictures below are a hydrangea in our yard. I took these over a period of a few weeks between March and June. They were taken during some of those hard moments listed above and I could not stop thinking of how the Lord was showing me to grow in my grief.

Hydrangeas, like most plants, are just plain ugly in the winter. 

But deep in the soil, that hydrangea grows and soaks in all of the rain it can get during those winter months. Hydrangeas need a lot of water so the roots still grow out and down under the soil in order for the growth on top of the soil to be seen when spring finally arrives. Even though it looks dead, that hydrangea is still growing during the harshness around it because the roots are keeping the plant anchored in the soil. 

In late winter and early spring, you are able to see new growth begin. It may be hard to see from a distance, but if you get closer to the hydrangea, little green leaves begin to appear. Remember, those leaves are the way the plant is able to begin feeding itself from the suns rays to grow more beautiful and bring forth the well-loved blooms. 

Grief can appear like this hydrangea in winter. The cold and harshness sets in all around and it feels ugly with no life showing. It can be hard to continue growing the roots of trust in the Lord when the Son does not feel as warm and the rains of Living Water are not always soaking in deeply because of the hardness of the surrounding "soil" circumstances. It can feel as if life will never reappear. However, the roots know that winter is not forever and spring is coming. The roots of promises in Scripture bury down into the soil and just "hold on" until spring arrives.

This new growth after grief is sometimes very small as the grief still feels bigger than the tiny growth of leaves forming. Thankfully, those new growing leaves that the Lord is now showing allow greater feeding off of the Son's rays. The leaves begin soaking in that Light of God's Word and become bigger and stronger. Soon, out of the grief has grown large, green leaves - this new growth could happen because of being anchored to the Lord under the "soil" in winter. These new leaves from growing in grief allow the beauty to be seen from a distance. When the growth from the grief begins to blossom, others are able to admire the beauty that only the Lord could bring forth.

While "old blooms" of grief from the past may still be seen, the new growth and beauty of the new blooms are what is in focus. The new growth is larger, stronger, and more beautiful than the year before.

I want to be that hydrangea. After a hard winter of rooting down into Him as much as possible, I want to be able to burst forth in growth and blooms that the Lord has given to me during these hard, winter times of grief. It is only because of Him that I am able to be "the display of His splendor."

So how am I growing in grief?

• Learning more about the Lord in ways I never would have if I had not gone through these past fifteen months. Seeing more of Who He is. Understanding His path for me is not always easy, but He is always there holding my hand and guiding me. 
• Finding comfort, strength, and stability in the Lord alone as my outward circumstances continued to change.
• Loving my family to the fullest. Loving others deeply and realizing how important human touch is to our souls!
• Seeing the sacrifices made by my husband to keep us going through some hard months and loving him more for it.
• Valuing even more the ability to teach - and teach IN PERSON! It may have looked a lot differently this past year but the fact that we were IN school all year is such a praise to the Lord!
• Understanding that some of the change we had to do in the school year helped me learn new ways to teach and connect to my students and parents. Finding that I grew in so many ways as a teacher this year simply because I never knew what would happen next!
• Showing thankfulness for the ability to be there for my personal children when they need me and care for them when they are struggling.
• Knowing that while I still hate the mask, the mask allowed me to be in front of my students every day.
• Finding new ways to learn about our animals and cherish their ability to bring us joy and comfort. Animals really are a gift from the Lord. Our Josie, the new golden retriever, was our gift at the end of 2020 that we did not realize how much we would need in 2021.
• Learning how to say goodbye to my Daddy and be there for him and Mom in ways I never thought I would ever be able to do. Knowing Daddy is healed now and I WILL see him again.
• Holding on to a beautiful year of love and growth in my students that ended strongly.
• Being there for my husband when his world was suddenly shattered with the loss of his own father - and understanding deeply the pain he is feeling. Knowing I am able to walk this road with him and encourage and love on him as he has loved on me.
• Grasping how life will never be the same again, but the Lord never changes. 
• Finding that growing in grief is not easy, but when I give it continually over to the Lord, He takes the hardness and grows it into something stronger and more beautiful.

May my growing in grief allow me to bloom strongly for Him.

 

Isaiah 61:1-3

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    

to proclaim freedom for the captives

    and release from darkness for the prisoners,
 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,



    

and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor.