I am walking away from this year. I am walking away with a much different perspective than a year ago.
The picture below gives a picture of what this year has felt like in my walk. I have felt like I was on a beach with sand ebbing and flowing between my feet. I have felt the shells and rocks under my feet and was unstable as I tried to walk over them. My feet stumbled along the way on many occasions and at many points I felt that I would drown. I FELT all of those things. However, I just kept walking.
I have mentioned this in my writing before, but when Daddy became ready for hospice, a dear friend asked me what I was thinking, to which I replied, "I just want to keep walking away and never stop."
I know that walking is good for you. I know that walking produces endurance and strength. I know that walking allows the heart to get stronger.
I know....
....but even though I know how good walking can be, walking away from it all just has not seemed to happen. The walking has been laborious and I have found myself just trying to take the next step.
As I am looking back on this year - and even just the last two years - I have found I have inwardly been wanting to walk away to breathe. I know I am not alone.
I have felt as if I have been holding my breath which does not help with the walking.
The Lord gave me "steadfast/faithful" as my word of meditation for this year. As I am walking away from another year of breath-holding, I truly say if it were not for the Lord's steadfast and faithful love, I would not have made it. I did not have the brain energy to do a lot of deep study in God's Word this year. I literally clung to Him with all I had.
He has kept me walking when I wanted to stop.
He has kept me together when I felt like I was breaking and falling bit-by-bit on the road I was traveling.
He has understood my weakness and carried me when I had no energy to keep walking.
He has kept my mind focused on Him even when there were trip-hazards in my journey.
He has truly been the rock-solid and faithful pathway as I have walked through this year of uncertainty, loss, and overwhelming stress.
Because He is steadfast and faithful, HE KNOWS and while I was out walking recently, the Lord reminded me of His faithfulness in a song. Because He is faithful, I can KNOW He is always there.
I KNOW
by
Hank Bentley / Michael David Weaver / Benji Cowart
You don't answer all my questions
But You hear me when I speak
You don't keep my heart from breakin'
But when it does, You weep with me
You're so close that I can feel You
When I've lost the words to pray
And though my eyes have never seen You
I've seen enough to say
I know that You are good
I know that You are kind
I know that You are so much more
Than what I leave behind
I know that I am loved
I know that I am safe
'Cause even in the fire, to live is Christ, to die is gain
I know that You are good
I don't understand the sorrow
But You're calm within the storm
Sometimes this weight is overwhelming
But I don't carry it alone
You're still close when I can't feel You
I don't have to be afraid
And though my eyes have never seen You
I've seen enough to say
I know that You are good
I know that You are kind
I know that You are so much more
Than what I leave behind
I know that I am loved
I know that I am safe
'Cause even in the fire, to live is Christ, to die is gain
I know that You are good
On my darkest day
From my deepest pain
Through it all, my heart, will choose to sing Your praise
On my darkest day
From my deepest pain
Through it all, my heart, will choose to sing Your praise
On my darkest day
In my deepest pain
Through it all, my heart, will choose to sing Your praise
I know that You are good
I know that You are kind
I know that You are so much more
Than what I leave behind
I know that I am loved
I know that I am safe
'Cause even in the fire, to live is Christ, to die is gain
I know that You are good
I know that You are good
I know
I will speak truth here - the year unfolding in front of me has resurrected some fear and wondering if I am going to stumble and fall through another. BUT...
The Lord has been so good and faithful throughout my walking through this year that I know He will do so in the next. I know that He is with me and is GOOD.
Because He has been so faithful and good, my heart's cry for next year is devotion to Him. He has shown me from Psalm 119 that this is the passage where I will gain much wisdom from Him in the coming year.
It has already brought me comfort as I have been walking through it in the last bit of time. I am excited for how the Lord will allow me to keep walking. And I will not necessarily be walking AWAY from stress and life, but walking TOWARD more intimacy with Him. Pursuing Him and walking alongside of Him to learn more from Him than just how to take the next step. Walking with the ability to inhale and exhale because I am tired of holding my breath.
As I bid farewell to another year, I am choosing to walk away from 2021 and BREATHE.
Psalm 119:45
I will walk freely in an open place
because I study your precepts.
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