I took these photos on the same visit to the sheep farm as my previous post from September. What I learned from this sheep in particular was quite interesting and it is something on which I have thought upon ever since.
This sheep had been sick. Normally, when a sheep becomes as sick as this one, it is put down because it that is actually easier on the sheep. This one was different - this was one that through the sickness was able to survive and came out strong. I learned that the medicine the sheep needed to live reacted similar to chemotherapy given to humans today. Over time, the old wool began to release and, in time, new wool would grow. What may look repulsive is actually something wonderful.
The Lord began to show me that this bedraggled looking sheep was actually me and you. It is a beautiful picture of what the Lord does for us as He applies the medicine of His Word to our sin-sick bodies. Our old wool - sin nature - begins to fall away and a new covering - Jesus' righteousness - begins to grow.
A few weeks ago, my brother and I were discussing the ending of the year. He was stating that he was glad that 2019 was coming to a close - it had been a rough year for him due to unexpected health problems. I then began to reflect back on years prior that I had also been glad to see leave. They were ones of sadness or huge change that caused my heart to faint.
It was then that the Lord reminded me that those years were not bad in the way I was thinking. They were actually just the Lord allowing me to be the sheep pictured above. The hardships that may have come in particular years were just ways the Lord was giving me more of His medicine, His Word, to release the old sin-cursed wool I had been carrying around for so long. In His wisdom, the Lord used those years for me to become stronger in Him and not myself.
We soon will begin the year 2020 - and a common statement with "2020" is that "Hindsight is always 20/20." It is easy to see what the Lord has done when we look back upon it, but not always easy to see when you are in the middle of it. That is where trust comes into play.
As I reflect back on the last year, I can see more of the Lord's dosing of medication that continued to release my old wool. That sin-cursed wool will never fully be released until we see Jesus face-to-face, but I am thankful for the lessening of its heaviness and the ease of the Lord's yoke. I am reminded of these verses in Matthew 11:29-30:
"Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
As more of my old wool was being shed, He continued to help me...
realize I have need of nothing - He provides generously and in His time.
know that He will always lead me to the green pastures and still waters for my refreshment.
be thankful when He alone restores my soul.
trust Him to lead me even when it is dark - He never leaves my side.
learn to love His rod and staff as they comfort and correct.
understand that He knows what is best for me and prepares what I need ahead of time to make me stronger in Him.
rest in His care.
joyfully accept that His goodness and mercy are with me even now in this earthly life.
As the year comes to a close and another one begins anew, I seek to release more old wool. I longingly want to lean closer into my Good Shepherd's arms as He carries me close to Him. I hunger to be like the sheep pictured below - resting, and chewing on the green grass of His Word as I am content in Him alone. I want to be covered with His righteousness and not my own.
In that resting, I desire to lean upon the Lord my Rock.
I pray that 2020 will be a year of expectation instead of only a hindsight view. I may not know what lies ahead, but I know that my Shepherd will be there every step of the way helping me shed old wool and replacing it with NEW.
This is one of those posts that will be hard to put into words what the Lord actually showed me. However, what He has taught me - I feel it to my core. I am praying the words the Lord gives me will convey what He showed.
For the past year or so, I have been drawn to studying the names of God. I am still learning more about them, but one stood out to me so much I had to study it more. "Jehovah Rohi" - the Lord my Shepherd. This name of God means His desire to have a close and personal relationship with us. He cares for us deeply, just as a shepherd does his sheep. When my deeper studies began, I did not realize just how much I would reach out for my Jehovah Rohi.
As I have walked the path of my life in the last few years, I have found uncertainty was constant. I thought I was taking one day at a time and handling everything in stride with the Lord helping me through it. And, for the most part, I was.
Then, our children became seniors in high school and graduated. Life as I had known it for so long was changing. I was learning what was to be a new normal. Change is a part of life so this was just another growing time in the changes.
What I did not realize was that my new normal would cause me to wander and falter in ways I did not see coming.
This past summer was weird. It is the only way I know how to describe it.
The question that continued to echo in my heart was "Who am I now?" I knew I was still a mother, but the role was changing. It was time for the kids to move forward in their lives and I had to stand back and allow them to do so.
I felt like I was blindly wandering in a valley where it was dark and lonely.
It was then that the Lord continued to grow me in Psalm 23, which is such a familiar passage of Scripture. I began to reflect on how the Scriptures compare us to sheep. Thankfully, just as He always does, the Lord knew where my heart would wander. He knew I needed Him as my Shepherd to find me, guide me back to Him alone, and draw me closer into His arms. Here is that familiar passage for you to read:
The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
I have read the book, A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23 by W. Phillip Keller. In fact, I am on my third time reading it right now. This is written from a shepherd's point of view in how he takes care of the sheep. It has enlightened my view of just how much MY Shepherd cares for and watches over me.
For the last few years, life has been very overwhelming at times and I was weary. During the summer, I was feeling very low as I was wandering in the emotions of my heart. I know that we are not to trust our feelings as they do not always speak the truth. I can look back now on the summer and see how the Lord made me lie down in the green pastures of His Word and allowed me to drink from His still living water to restore my soul. He led me down the path of righteousness for His name's sake to reveal more of His character to me. He knew I was walking in a valley, but He was already there in front of me.
I began to cry out to the Lord to help me as I blindly walked this new pathway of motherhood and life. The Lord led me to this verse and it was exactly as I was feeling.
Psalm 42:11
Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.
In reading the book by Keller, I began to understand that "cast down" is a term shepherds use for their sheep when they turn over on their backs and cannot get back up. They must have their shepherd find them and set them upright or it could be dangerous. I realized I was cast down. I was struggling to get back on my feet on my own and was having no success. The tears kept coming. The feeling of loneliness and uncertainty kept invading my soul. It was then my Shepherd came to me and showed me Psalm 84. I wish I could go into all of the Psalm, as it is precious, but let me settle on these verses:
Psalm 84:5-7 (ESV)
Blessed are those whose strength is in you, in whose heart are the highways to Zion.
As they go through the Valley of Baca they make it a place of springs; the early rain also covers it with pools.
They go from strength to strength; each one appears before God in Zion.
Maybe like me, you need to see that passage of Scripture through a different translation to grasp it in the way the Lord opened my eyes to it when I needed it:
Psalm 84:5-7 (NLT)
What joy for those whose strength comes from the LORD, who have set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem.
When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs. The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings.
They will continue to grow stronger, and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem.
As I walked my own Valley of Bacca (Valley of Weeping) this summer, the Lord taught me that through my moments of being cast down, HE, my Shepherd, came.
HE helped me see I lacked nothing - HE was my strength.
HE set my feet upright and brought me back to the green pastures and still waters.
HE allowed my tears from the valley to become refreshing springs that would allow me to come alongside and bless others along the way.
HE would protect me from the lies my enemy wanted me to believe and lead me to safe pastures and places to think on His Word that would grow me in Him.
HE would continue to anoint my head with oil so that my cup would overflow in blessings of His truths.
HE would follow me with goodness and mercy all the days of my life because He will never leave me or forsake me.
HE reminded me I am already dwelling with Him even though I am still on earth.
HE WILL LEAD ME.
As I continued to grasp those truths, and I still think on them daily, He helped me to see more deeply my need to follow my Shepherd and not wander on my own pathway of life. He is already there in my future and I just need to follow and trust. It does not mean that there will not be days I stumble and become cast down, but that He is always there to come to find me and set me back upright.
In His leading this summer, He also reminded me of a verse He gave me a year ago. It meant something different then than it does to me now. In fact, it is one I have begun clinging to and praying over as I walk this new blind pathway of motherhood and beyond.
Isaiah 42:16
And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, in paths that they have not known I will guide them. I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground. These are the things I do, and I do not forsake them.
I studied Isaiah 42 more in-depth after the Lord led me back to this verse. This whole passage of Scripture is a portion talking about the Messiah - Jesus - Our Good Shepherd. This was not a coincidence! That is why Jesus came to be our Good Shepherd. He came to lead the blind, faltering, weary, wandering sheep in a way they do not know.
Sheep.
ME.
Because this became such a precious part of my summer, I felt the strong urge to find a sheep farm and go visit it. Little did I realize how hard one would be to find! I finally was able to locate one that was about an hour away from our home and went to visit it one Saturday in July. In just a short time I was able to see up close the love a shepherd has for his/her sheep. The shepherd of this flock was so kind and walked us around the property. She and her husband began their work with sheep some 26 years ago to escape the hustle and bustle of the city. I was able to photograph the sheep and see myself in them. Here is what I captured with photography in order to have a tangible view of what the Lord showed me this summer:
Maybe there are some of you reading this and are feeling that you are in your own valley. Some of you may be wandering away from the Shepherd without realizing it. Maybe some of you are feeling cast down and wondering when things will be right again. Just know that your Shepherd is there. He will lead you in paths you do not know, turn the darkness into light, and rough places into level ground. These are things He does as our Good Shepherd because He does not forsake us.
I realize I am not the only Momma who has dealt with her children graduating from High School - nor will I be the last. Yes, this is a moment I will get through and a new norm will become life.
When the Lord graciously allowed us to have these two precious ones after years of trying, I wanted to hold on tight to the moments and memories we would share. Our house became full all at once when they were born. We had to learn, like everyone else, how to do this thing called parenting. I just feel like the four pictures below happened in a blink of an eye.
Our firsts were also our lasts at the same time. Maybe that is why their High school graduation is hitting me as hard as it is? Is it because this is the first and last time we will walk this path? Is it because I know things will change forever or is it the sentimental aspect of being their Momma? I honestly do not know.
I feel I must share the feelings that are welling up inside that need a place to rest. I am here to share my heart and what the Lord has taught me as I learned how to be their Momma. The days may have seemed long but those years were certainly short now that I look back on them. I missed a lot of moments having to work during the first five years of their lives, so having them come with me to school for the past 14 years has been something I have not wanted to take for granted. I am finding those memories are the hardest right now. I am going to miss them being "with" me every day.
However, the Lord is good and He has shown me that I can look back and see so many things He has taught me because of the two children He allowed us to have.
So what has the Lord taught me through the years?
The minute they were born I knew my life was going to be different, but I could never have dreamed by how much.
When we brought them home from the hospital, I began to realize the easiest part was carrying them before birth.
Strange as this may seem, I will always miss carrying them inside of me. I had waited so long to feel those precious movements and I cherished them.
Each day made me realize how much I did not know about being a Momma.
Each day taught me what it is to be a Momma.
They may have been twins, but they were totally different and I had to learn to figure out the best way to handle each one.
When I thought I had figured them out, something would change and I would have to start over again.
Just because you are a teacher and you do know a lot about kids, you have to see things differently as a Momma.
I began to learn what unconditional love is and how I should show it.
I saw myself as God's child so much differently and it gave me a new appreciation for all the Lord had done for me.
When our children had to repeat Kindergarten it was actually the best thing ever even though at the time I thought it was the hardest thing I would do.
I found out repeating Kindergarten was a piece of cake compared to what was ahead of us.
The Lord was always there in the younger years helping me see how He was growing our two - even though I did not fully understand a lot of it until now.
I found myself learning more about how to parent God's way instead of what I thought was the best way. In that learning, I learned more about God's love for me as well.
I could not help with the Math after third grade without doing some tutoring for myself.
Fourth grade NC Projects will go down in History as the "Project to Remember".
Middle School is not for the faint of heart.
I had to prepare for the Middle school years with my son more than my daughter. Whew.. hormones are something.
Driving with twins at the age of 15/16 is also not for the faint of heart. I lost a lot of "9 lives" with near mailbox catastrophes.
I actually handled the driving with more grace and patience than their father. :)
Your children need you more in Middle/High School than you ever thought they would in the younger years and Elementary.
Even when our teenagers had the "teenage attitude", the Lord taught me that this was the "Age of Opportunity" - every moment was a gift to use in growing them - and growing me.
I realized how many idols I had in my own life when I was trying to help my teens see the idols in theirs.
Praying for your children allows the Lord to change them.
You cannot change your teenagers with a bunch of rules. They need to know you love them for more than the following of one.
I REALLY saw how much the Lord shows grace and mercy to me every day when I saw myself in my teens.
I began to see how the Lord would have me go through something and dig into His Word for a solution only to see the same Scripture would apply for the kids' troubles or needs soon after. That still amazes me.
Struggling is a part of life. Struggles are what grow us. Struggles are good.
Failure is only when you stop trying.
Do hard things - and do them alongside your children.
Doing hard things with your children make memories that will last forever.
I began to fully realize that God's plan for my children was far greater than any plan I may have had.
I began to let go and show them that the Lord was the One who would never leave them or forsake them.
I had to continue letting go and help them understand that while I might have advice, and I am here anytime they need me, the Lord is the One who will guide their path.
It was imperative to point them to Scripture and remind them that with Christ they can do all things. I soon realized just how much they watched my own walk with the Lord. They watched me as I spent time with the Lord. It was humbling.
I had to trust the Lord that He would do abundantly beyond all that we could ask or think. Seeing your children turn into young adults and use the gifts God has given to them is truly awe-inspiring.
Waiting is hard, but waiting on the Lord is always the best.
There was nothing like having them "with" me at school for 14 years. I will always cherish the memories of rides to school (even when they made me late), seeing them around campus, times they would pop in my room in the middle of the day, and even the complaining moments of wanting to go home at the end of the day. Being a teacher's kid is hard. I loved every minute of those 14 years.
I am so grateful for all the Lord has taught me so far through my children. I know He still has so much to teach me and I desire to learn from Him. I am looking forward to the new beginnings and how the Lord will continue to work in their lives....
...until then, can someone please just pass the tissues and allow this Momma some moments of tears and sweet times of remembering?
When it is time to leave the nest, my Momma's heart understands that I am to let go and allow the Lord to be the wind beneath their outspread wings.
When I look back on 2018, this picture of ice is a representation of what it felt like to me.
This past year felt like one of disorganization, fragmented chaos, and jagged edges. Some days I could only see the disorganization and chaos. Some days, the jagged edges cut me to the core. There were tons of doubt, fear, anxiousness, and overwhelming obstacles.
But just as this is a picture of ice, that fades when the heat is applied, so did the Lord teach me some valuable truths as He lovingly applied His heat to the ice of my soul. He had to teach me that what I saw as disorganization, chaos, and jagged edges were actually a beautiful part of what He was doing in my life.
I clung to Psalm 105:4 last year:
"Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually!"
I literally held on to that verse daily. I did seek Him - and found Him - and look back on last year and know I would not have made it without Him.
In seeking Him, what did I learn more deeply?
Every season has its reason.
The year 2018 felt like the season of winter - all year long.
Winter is a time of barrenness, coldness, less light, and lack of color. One can see that the animals in nature have to look harder to find their food. Some have to dig deep below the snow in order to find anything to eat. In the past, if a person/family did not have goods stored up to eat, starvation could occur. Our personal winters can be the same - barren, cold, and lack of vibrancy in color.
I felt that way on many occasions this past year. I was stuck in the winter season because the whole year was consumed from January to December with what was to come. There was Wesley's brain training, then a new school year filled with new obstacles to overcome, two babies who are now Seniors and beginning to fly out of the nest, aging parents, financial uncertainties, and just the day-to-day grind of trying to keep up with it all. I found I had to look harder for the spiritual food in order to survive. My heart grew cold at times simply because life was so overwhelming and I did not have time to dig deep beneath the cold snow of life to see what was beneath in God's Word. I continued to daily read the Scripture, but the time for digging deep was shorter like the short days of winter. I had to dig when I could and hold on to the food I found. I felt winter to the core, just as cold can creep in and you feel it to your bones. I began to look around me at times and could not see any color, but the same stark landscape that seemed to have no end.
As I have reflected on this, I did not realize how much I had gone through winter until I kept calling out to the Lord. He knew I could not shake the coldness I was feeling on my own. He had to show me what I needed to understand and attach it to the warmth of His truth.
In thinking through the seasons, the spiritual food the Lord gave me in my winter had to be found deeper than I would have had to search for in the summer season. There were roots I needed for sustenance that would not have been thought of as a need in the warmth and ease of the summer growing times. In continuing to learn how to die to self, I was able to learn the value of a deeper character in the harvest of autumn.
Winter is hard. But winter has a purpose.
Winter is a needed time so that spring might arrive. During the harshness of winter, the ground is preparing for another year of growth. The trees/plants are resting so that once the air begins to show warmth, the leaves and flowers can begin their journey of bursting forth into the beauty of spring. Winter helps us to appreciate the spring and not take it for granted. Spring is when the color comes back into the view of the landscape. It is blossoming all around preparing the world for the summer fruit to come. It is a hope that all things that seemed dead are now alive again. New life. New hope. New fruit.
I can honestly say that I am a different person than a year ago. The Lord taught me a great deal in my winter year.
He taught me to seek Him and Him alone and that I have to dig deep to find the valuable spiritual nutrients that will sustain me in the barren times.
He taught me that my cold heart can be warmed by His love and gentleness. He never left me once by myself on those cold-feeling days.
He taught me that even though the days seemed short and dark, His light inside of me would continue to guide my path. He is my light, my fortress, my deliverer. It is Him that I trust to lead me.
He taught me that even though the landscape may seem quite barren and have no color, the spring ahead would be more beautiful than I ever could imagine. I cannot have the beauty of the spring, the bursting forth of fruit, if the winter did not prepare the soil and plants of my heart.
He taught me that He is my hope and it is He who I must praise as He leads me into the spring.
I honestly do not know if winter is fully past for us yet, but I do know what the Lord has shown me regarding my new year. He has reminded me that He alone is my hope and I am to praise Him. He gave me my verse for this year:
Psalm 71:14 ~ But I will hope continually and will praise you yet more and more.
Maybe someone who is reading this is also walking through a long winter season. Maybe you have felt just as I have felt. We must take heart and know that spring is coming. It will come in His timing - once He has prepared the soil of our hearts to be ready for the blossoming of spring and the fruit-bearing of summer so that we might have a bountiful harvest in autumn.
I will praise the Lord for winter because in those times He alone brings fullness and beauty out of barrenness and ugliness. He prepares us for the hope that comes with spring!
Song of Solomon 2:11-12a
for behold, the winter is past; the rain is over and gone.
The flowers appear on the earth, the time of singing has come...
