Abide

 Abide. 

This word is not commonly used in the modern English language. I usually do not share with someone I am "abiding" at my home. I simply say that I "live there." This lack of using the word sometimes causes us to fail at understanding the full meaning.

In recent months, the Lord has taught me much about this word. I always find it so interesting how the Lord gives me a word to meditate on and learn from each year. When I was asking Him to show me this year's word late last fall, I did not want to let go of the word He had given me from last year - TRUTH. I wanted to stay in that and continue to learn and grow. I wondered if I could just continue growing in truth. 

That is when His still small voice told me, "Abide." 

I felt comfort in that because it meant He just wanted me to stay in searching for truth from His Word. I knew enough about "abide" from John 15 that I actually took that word for granted. I was almost "disappointed" that such a "common" verse was going to be where He settled me for this year, as I always love to explore new truths in Scripture. Little did I realize how much more He would show me! 

In my previous post on "Wait," the Lord was already working to grow me more deeply into Him. He was beginning the process of showing me more of what abiding truly means.

When I researched the word abide, I found that it was an Old English word meaning: await, remain, lodge, sojourn, dwell, continue, and endure. In Greek, the word means "to remain." 

Of course, I already *knew* all of that for the most part. I guess I was expecting to have an epiphany of newness to emanate from the word itself. I then began to settle into John 15, and that is when the epiphany began - from the WORD Himself.

John 15:4-5

Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me.  

I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing.

Let's sit with John 15:5a for a moment - I AM the vine, YOU are the branches. 

Guess what, I am NOT the vine. But many times in life, I seem to think I am.

JESUS is the VINE. The life support. The strength. The ability. The power. He is I AM.

Me? I am just a branch clinging to the vine for that support, strength, ability, and power. Just as a branch can fall off a tree and die, if I am not abiding in Him, I will be fruitless, broken, and deteriorate spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and even physically. 

When I depend on HIM, abide and remain, I will have the ability and strength to produce much fruit for HIS glory. I can do nothing without Him. I will have the strength to say "no" to Satan and fight the spiritual battle before me, the ability to overcome any circumstances, or just rest in HIM and His timing or purpose.

But all of those cannot happen without me ABIDING in HIM.

Over the years, the Lord has shown me how I have a strong tendency to want to control life and circumstances myself. That is putting myself as the vine - and I can never be that because within my human self there is no SOURCE for anything good. I have released so many areas of that "controlling" part of me to the Lord. Unfortunately, I know I am in constant need to stop the pride of my fallen and sinful nature that wants to take over and solve the problems myself. 

For 45+ years, I have dealt with a "thorn in the flesh" - an OCD behavior that has been debilitating at times. I have repeatedly prayed and asked the Lord to release me from it and just take it away. He never has. He has shown me ways to relieve some of the severity, but has never allowed me to be free from it. It has been my "self-soothing" for hard times, thinking times, or even times of experiencing "boredom." It has been "the help" for me as I have problem-solved and tried to walk through a hard season. I would cling to the OCD instead of fully abiding in my Savior to give me strength to overcome whatever I was facing. It became my "Jesus + the OCD because I know there is no "cure." I allowed it to be the first step to my comfort or a way to solve a problem. 

As I have meditated on "abide" this year, I have begun to realize that it is the way I can overcome my OCD behavior. I know that I will never get "rid" of this behavior, as it is a mental battle every day. Some days are easier than others, while other days leave me downright battle-tired. However, the Lord showed me in such a clear way this year that by abiding in HIM, I can fight that battle with His strength and rest in Him. My strength could never stop it, but His strength has now given me repeated success. I have learned to say "abide" when the urge to become obsessive begins. I cling to His strength and power to stop the behavior and settle into Him. It has even now transferred into other areas of my life that I had already been giving to the Lord, but now with deeper meaning. I will have to do this for the rest of my life, but that is what the Lord desires. 

He wants all of us to abide in HIM by: 

• dwelling
• resting
• sojourning
• lodging
• continuing
• enduring 
• remaining

When it is easy. When it is hard. When we are happy. When we are sad. When we have success. When we have failure. 

What is your need today for abiding in the only One Who can give you all that you need? What have you still been trying to control?

ABIDE in Jesus.

Wait

 In our culture today, WAIT is a detested word.

We either want to STOP completely or just GO do what we want to do.

Wait is always in the middle of stop and go - but who wants to wait?

When we see that yellow light pop up at the intersection, our first thought is to "squeeze that lemon!"

Let's be honest; in our humanness, to wait feels like a waste of time.

Who wants to: 

• wait in line?
• wait in traffic?
• wait for their package to arrive in the mail?
• wait for the next big thing?
• wait for a sickness to end?
• wait for a loved one to get back home?
• wait for a time of hardship to end?
• wait for their plans and dreams to be fulfilled?

In the last few years, the Lord has been stretching me and taking me out of my comfort zone of control in more ways than I can count. He has been making me WAIT for His timing and purpose in:

• Living through and trying to teach in the COVID years.
• Adjusting to life after the COVID years.
• My dad's sickness and death.
• Both of our "babies" getting married the same year within a couple of months.
• News of medical test results.
• Hearing if our daughter-in-love was accepted to our Vet school nearby.
• Knowing we had to wait four years until our son and daughter-in-love could move back home from where the Lord chose for her to attend Vet school.
• Adjusting to seeing our son and daughter-in-love from a distance of 8 hours.

I will be transparent - these moments have been overwhelming and a struggle. I have wanted them to end. I know I am not alone as I have many family, friends, and acquaintances who are walking through similar circumstances.

Recently, the Lord has continued His molding of me becoming more like Him through what I am learning in His Word, as well as these two books that He has led me listen to on Spotify: 

• God Does His Best Work with Empty by Nancy Guthrie 

and, most recently, 

• Waiting Isn't a Waste: The Surprising Comfort of Trusting God in the Uncertainties of Life by Mark Vroegop

The Lord has been using all of those waitings listed above - and even more that right now do not come to mind - to teach me to empty myself of what I *think* is best and WAIT on Him and His timing for all things.

There is an old saying, "Let go and let God." It is so easy to say and quote, but much harder to put into practice.

Let go of and let God DO - what? I want to know RIGHT NOW. I immediately want to know His plans, purpose, and how He will fulfill my desires. I do not want to have to wait for any of it!

But my desires are not always what God has planned. I do not see what He sees. I do not know what He knows. I am not Him.

I have gotten to the point in my walk with the Lord that I feel very inept in knowing what is best anymore. This is actually a good thing. In emptying out my own knowledge and replacing it with WAITING on the Lord's timing and plans, I am becoming less dependent on me and more dependent on the One who only wants the best for me.

Scripture teaches so many examples of waiting yet we do not always read it that way. It is easy for us to read through a passage of Scripture and notice the travails of Joseph as he is sold into slavery by his brothers, accused of wrongdoing, and sent to prison only to then be lifted up to the second-in-command of Egypt. We can read that portion of Scripture in just a few minutes. However, those portions of Scripture covered at least 20 years! 

If one only reads through the Psalms (and that is just one of many books), there are many references to waiting on the Lord. Here is just a small view of what can be found:

• Psalms 25:3 - Indeed, none who wait for you shall be put to shame; they shall be ashamed who are wantonly treacherous.
• Psalm 25:5 - Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long.
• Psalm 25:21 - May integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for you.
• Psalm 27:14 - Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!
• Psalm 37:7 - Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices!
• Psalm 40:1 - I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry.

In the emptying of MY thoughts, hopes, and dreams, and waiting on the Lord, He is teaching me the value of letting go and letting Him take care of the details. 

• To wait means to hope.
• To wait means to sit back and watch HIS plans unfold.
• To wait means to rest in Him.

That does not mean that every moment of waiting is a perfect scenario for me. It just means when my anxiousness begins to arise and my "hurry up!" attitude starts to surge to the surface, the Lord gently reminds me to stay close to Him and WAIT. Waiting is never a waste of time. Waiting is allowing God to put all things together in HIS time.

Where might you be waiting today? Hurry up and WAIT on the Lord. 💗

This song is part of the Album "Inhale (Exhale)" by Mercy Me. Most of the songs on this album were written during the COVID pandemic. The Lord taught me alot through that time of life. While I never want to go back to it, I am thankful for what the Lord showed me and how He grew me in the waiting.

What is TRUTH?

"What is truth?" - Pontius Pilate asked that of Jesus right before the crucifixion. (John 18) 

Years ago I heard a pastor speak on this passage and it has replayed in my heart ever since. I have had a yearning to understand more of the truth. To know what is truth, one has to look to the standard of truth. In fact, the Lord gave me "truth" as my "word" upon which to meditate this year.

Scripture teaches us where that truth lies. However, now, more than ever, in our "Information Age" information is easily accessible that can give an abundance of knowledge, but is it really truth? It is easy to believe something without finding out if it is actually true or not. Knowledge can have a small amount of truth but be filled with lies. And we are all susceptible to falling for it. When the world touts that it's "all about YOU" it is easy to get pulled into lies that lead us further from the truth. We want to know the truth, but too often we want it to be OUR truth.

Isn't that what happened in the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve? They believed the serpent who said to them, "Did God really say....?" The truth was twisted ever so slightly. Adam and Eve, who had a full and perfect relationship with their Creator, began to fall for the lie that they could know more than their Creator. They could be their own truth. They were in charge of knowing what was right and wrong based on what they felt at the time.

We see it today all around us. Influencers, social media, the news - they all have a basis for "their" truth.

So back to my original question: "What is truth?"

As I have searched the Scriptures alongside the views of what those in the world's system think, I have repeatedly been shown that truth is only found in the Lord. The world is "very loud" with all its opinions and descriptions that "my truth isn't your truth and your truth isn't my truth." 

Am I listening and seeking what the world's confusion and constant changing tells me or am I seeking truth from the Standard that never changes?

Truth cannot be what I think, feel, say, or do. It cannot be what the latest influencer is touting. It cannot be what the modern philosophers view as truth. Truth must be based on a standard that never changes because if your truth is not my truth, then how will we ever know what is truth? Humans are not autonomous - we did not create ourselves nor will we ever be greater than our Creator. How often do we say to God, just like the serpent in the Garden - "Did God really say?..." We want control. We want our own truth. 

God in His love, gave us His Word which has been preserved for thousands of years. The truth of what it says today is what He spoke to be written by 40 different authors over 1,500 years. Search it out. It is possible to understand and know that God's Truth is THE Truth.

The Lord gave me this verse from Psalm 86:11 on which to meditate this year:

Psalm 86:11 CSB - "Teach me your way, Lord, and I will live by your truth. Give me an undivided mind to fear [respect] your name."

Satan wants to divide now just as much as he did in the Garden. He wants our minds to be in so many different places, hearing so many different ideas and thoughts, that we can become overwhelmed and feel as if we can never know what is truth. 

The Lord unites us with His truth and when we study His Word and live by HIS truth, we will find that the confusion settles and our minds can fully comprehend how He has loved us and provided a way for us to know Him. 

Your truth and my truth will never matter in the view of eternity. What is searched for in this fallen world cannot provide what we desperately need.

Search the Scriptures - for in them you will find life, stability, peace, and TRUTH.

Fighting for Fake Pearls

I have been fighting to keep fake pearls. Let me explain.

If you have read my previous post, you know that our family has been praying for specific things. The Lord, in His wisdom, told us "no" to what we thought should be "yes" and "yes" to what we wanted to be "no."

It involves our son and his wife moving. Our precious newest daughter was accepted to a Vet School out of state. 

OUT OF STATE.

For this Momma, that has been a wrestling match for sure. I have never been far away from my children. I realize I am no different or more special than others who have to face the same things. It is just that we have never had anyone close to our immediate family to move so far away - this is new territory for sure! 

After having a few months to be still before the Lord and work through this plan the Lord has for them, I thought I was doing quite well with it all! I truly was feeling a "peace that passes all understanding."

But, the Lord revealed to me I had still not given up the fight.

If you know our son personally, you know that his dream has always been to raise beef cattle. He has worked hard to begin his business and make his dream a reality. His little herd was growing!

But then, our "NO" came - the Lord was allowing the move. While we were learning to accept this new plan, our son (and the rest of us, really) began asking: How could he take the beef cattle with him? Where would there be land near their new area of living while they are away with Vet School? 

Everywhere our son looked, called, contacted, and inquired, the answer came back with nothing available or no answer at all. My mind and heart were calling out to the Lord and asking Him to just make a way! God had not given him this dream, these beef cattle with all of his hard work, just to take it all away, had He? 

Then one night in my devotions before bed, the Lord had me read a verse that I have loved and have taught others many times. 

Psalm 46:10a - “Be still, and know that I am God." 

BE STILL. I have been still before the Lord during this whole process trying to accept all He has planned. But that night, it revealed a truth I had not wanted to see. In reading the CSB, Psalm 46:10a translates this way: 

Stop fighting, and know that I am God,

Here is the truth the Lord showed me: I was still fighting His plan. You see, our son told us he realized he would have to sell the cattle, and probably his little stock trailer he had restored. 

• The cattle for which he had worked so hard.
• The cattle that made me still feel close to my Daddy - as if part of him was still here on the land.
• The cattle where I could watch my son, my Daddy's namesake, work with those cattle like Daddy used to do.
• The little stock trailer he bought and restored to use with those cattle.
• The little stock trailer he painted red - Daddy's favorite color.
• The cattle that was my son's future.

On the outside, I was moving forward with the Lord's plan but inside I was fighting Him. I was still holding on to a part that I thought I knew was best. I was still forgetting I am NOT God.

Not long after reading this verse, the Lord recalled a little story I had read a long time ago. I have not been able to find the author, but here is the story:

Jenny and the Pearl Necklace - author unknown

"The cheerful girl with bouncy golden curls was almost five. Waiting

with her mother at the checkout stand, she saw them: a circle of glistening

white pearls in a pink foil box. “Oh please, Mommy. Can I have them?

Please, Mommy, please?”

Quickly the mother checked the back of the little foil box and then looked

back into the pleading blue eyes of her little girl’s upturned face.

“A dollar ninety-five. That’s almost $2.00. If you really want them,

I’ll think of some extra chores for you and in no time you can save enough

money to buy them for yourself. Your birthday’s only a week away and you might

get another crisp dollar bill from Grandma.”

As soon as Jenny got home, she emptied her penny bank and counted

out 17 pennies. After dinner, she did more than her share of chores and she

went to the neighbor and asked Mrs. McJames if she could pick dandelions for

ten cents. On her birthday, Grandma did give her another new dollar bill and

at last she had enough money to buy the necklace.

Jenny loved her pearls. They made her feel dressed up and grown up. She wore

them everywhere – Sunday school, kindergarten, even to bed. The only time she

took them off was when she went swimming or had a bubble bath. Mother said if

they got wet, they might turn her neck green.

Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night when she was ready for bed,

he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story.

One night when he finished the story, he asked Jenny, “Do you love me?”

“Oh yes, Daddy. You know that I love you.”

“Then give me your pearls.”

“Oh, Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have Princess – the white horse

from my collection. The one with the pink tail. Remember, Daddy? The one

you gave me. She’s my favorite.”

“That’s okay, Honey. Daddy loves you. Good night.” And he brushed her cheek

with a kiss.”

About a week later, after the story time, Jenny’s daddy asked again,

“Do you love me?”

“Daddy, you know I love you.”

“Then give me your pearls.”

“Oh Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have my baby doll. The brand new

one I got for my birthday. She is so beautiful and you can have the yellow

blanket that matches her sleeper.”

“That’s okay. Sleep well. God bless you, little one. Daddy loves you”

And as always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss.

A few nights later when her daddy came in, Jenny was sitting on her bed

with her legs crossed Indian-style. As he came close, he noticed her chin

was trembling and one silent tear rolled down her cheek.

“What is it, Jenny? What’s the matter?”

Jenny didn’t say anything but lifted her little hand up to her daddy. And when

she opened it, there was her little pearl necklace. With a little quiver, she

finally said, “Here, Daddy. It’s for you.” With tears gathering in his own

eyes, Jenny’s kind daddy reached out with one hand to take the dime-store

necklace, and with the other hand he reached into his pocket and pulled out a

blue velvet case with a strand of genuine pearls and gave them to Jenny. He

had them all the time. He was just waiting for her to give up the dime-store

stuff so he could give her the genuine treasure."

After reading this story again, the Lord reminded me that I was fighting Him so I could hold onto my son's dream the way I pictured it. I just never realized I was holding onto a strand of fake pearls. In the Lord's love and plan, He wants to give our family something of more value but I have still been holding tightly to and fighting for what I wanted to keep - those fake pearls. 

Even though we cannot see it all right now, He still has our son and new daughter in His hands and HE will do for them out of state more than WE could do or control here. 

To continue growing me, the Lord led me to my next devotion which was on the book of Habakkuk. Habakkuk was a prophet in Judah in the days before Babylon captured it. He was struggling with what the Lord was doing in sending His people away from their land. In the end, after the Lord so gently reminded Habakkuk of His plan, Habakkuk realized he just had to wait for the Lord's timing and realize God was not abandoning them - HE was in control. Here is what Habakkuk writes in chapter three verses 17-19a regarding what the future would hold for Judah while they were in captivity away from the land:

"Though the fig tree does not bud and there is no fruit on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though the flocks disappear from the pen and there are no herds in the stalls, 

yet I will celebrate in the Lord; I will rejoice in the God of my salvation! 

The Lord is my strength;"

Habakkuk was seeing that even though the land would be desolate for those years of captivity, his hope was not in those things. His hope would only come through the Lord's strength.

Those fake pearls I have been fighting to hold must, through open hands, be willingly released to the Lord. Even though there will be no herds in the pastures of our land right now, even though things will be so different, "yet I will celebrate" and rejoice in the salvation and strength of the Lord who always knows what is best. He is waiting to give us what has greater value.

A Rainbow and Praying for NO

I took this photo late last summer or early fall. I was taken aback by the beauty I could see from the rainbow with the dark clouds behind it. Where the blue skies and sun were clearly shining, the beauty could not be seen as much. I have recently learned a lesson from this picture.

I think everyone knows it takes the sun (light) and rain (water) to make a rainbow. Sometimes we get so caught up in the beauty of the rainbow we forget there had to be rain to make it. With rain comes dark clouds.  

My family and I have prayed specifically for the Lord to work something out the way we just knew it would be best for our family. Of course, we were seeing everything from the here and now. The Lord, Who created this rainbow, sees things in such a way we could never experience with our finite minds. We humans so often fail to remember that. My family and I surely did.

Our prayer at first was YES. Yes, Lord, let this perfect plan come about so our family can shout your praises about how you worked all things out in miraculous ways! We had it all figured out as to how perfect everything would be as it fell into place. 

But then, the answer was "NO." 

"NO? Really, Lord? NO?... But.... it was such a PERFECT plan and WE thought...."

"Ok. Well, if NO is what you are saying, then for this next thing we are waiting to hear about and praying for surrounding our family, we will pray NO."

As my family and I were praying over these answers, I began to read a book entitled God is Able by Priscilla Shirer that broke down Ephesians 3:20-21:

Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, 

to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.

I was thrilled to realize this set of verses was what the book was about. I had claimed this group of verses several years ago when our son went through a learning program to help strengthen his cognitive skills. I just knew this was the Lord showing me He was going to answer our prayers in the way we wanted. I was reading it thinking that it would give me the wisdom to help others when they were waiting for the Lord to answer a prayer. I was going to be shouting for joy that the Lord did far more abundantly beyond all we could ask or think in this situation!

As I kept going to the Lord and praying fervently over my family, my prayer request one morning at school with my fellow teachers was exactly: "I am praying for NO."

And this time the Lord answered my request the way I prayed! Sortof....

 He told ME: "NO, Kellie."

 

The circumstance we were praying for the "no" actually received the "YES." 

"NO for me and the prayers of my family? A 'yes' for the other? But.... I asked for NO this time! Really, Lord? Really?" 

I began to wrestle with the Lord. I was the strong-willed one wrestling with the Creator. I was angry that He did not answer the prayer as I had wanted. I had forgotten so quickly how little I am and how big my God is. The creature was telling the Creator what to do. The finite one was telling the infinite One what should be happening.

When life reflects only the blue and clear sky I cannot see those promises of His truth. I want the rainbow - but without the dark clouds and rain. I want MY answer but without any struggle or pain. After wrestling with the Lord He began to show me through the dark clouds of my Momma's heart that His promises never fail and I can actually see them better because of the darkness, struggle, and pain.

Promises such as: 

Ephesians 3:20-21 (NASB) quoted above but let's see it again: 

Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, 

to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.

I Corinthians 2:9 (ESV)

But, as it is written, "What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him”

Isaiah 55:8-11 (ESV)

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,

so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.

As the heavens are higher than the earth and as the rainbow stretches out above the earth I stare up at its majesty. His thoughts are not my thoughts. I cannot see what the Lord sees. I have to trust Him that his "NO" is the best. 

The rain still falls from my eyes regarding His "NO." But, I trust Him and await the rainbow of His promises as the water from my eyes mixes with the Light of His Word to view the splendor that is above and beyond all that we could ask or think for our family.

And to HIM will be the glory.

Pouring In

My son was doing maintenance on his truck last summer and changing the oil. He found the diesel oil, checked it, smelled it, and looked at it and all seemed normal. He poured it into his engine and went on with his day. As the day wore on his truck began to act really strange and was not running properly. By the next day he had to park the truck as the engine froze. 

He could not understand what had happened until he went back to the diesel oil container and looked at it again comparing it to other liquids in the barn. He found that what he thought was diesel oil in that container was actually weed killer. What he thought was real diesel oil had actually been an empty container that had been used in the past couple of years as a storage place for extra mixed weed killer - but had not been marked as to what was truly in the bottle. 

It looked like the real thing and he said it even felt like the real oil, but it killed his engine. His truck was totaled. What he thought he was pouring in to help his motor actually ended up being detrimental. 

He and I have discussed many times how applicable his issue with his truck is to our spiritual lives. How many times have we poured in something to our "spiritual engines" that looked, smelled, and felt right, only to find out it was "spiritual weed killer?"

There are many things in this world that we pour into our lives each day: social media, the news, music, podcasts, day-to-day conversations, etc.. What we pour into our lives will either strengthen and maintain our "spiritual engines" or it will cause them to lock up and die.

This year my heart has been focused on pouring in TRUTH and how important it is to search for it. There are a lot of "truths" out in our world, but can they really ALL be a truth when they are saying different things? What my son thought was "true oil" turned out to be something totally different and destructive. I cannot help but think of all we see and hear that permeate our minds and hearts. There can be things that seem to be good for us to pour into our lives, but in the end they leave us spiritually weakened and destroyed.

The Lord has been impressing more and more on my heart that I must go to His Word for truth and life. In His Word He tells us how HE made this world. It is His creation and He knows the beginning from the end. God's truth is how we can hold on when things are dark and heavy. It is there we find ways to praise Him when the days are easy and our burdens are light. His truth will lead you the right way when the unexpected happens and you do not know how the next step will be taken. His truth is the light in the darkness, the balm to the soul, the "correct oil for our spiritual engines." 

God's TRUTH is what 

guides, 

heals, 

saves, 

calms,

frees,

moves,

FILLS.

I want to be pouring God's Word into my life and heart so much as I maintain my "spiritual engine" that I am safe from becoming spiritually destroyed because I am filled with TRUTH. 

John 10:10 (NIV)

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

Psalm 86:11 (CSB)

Teach me your way, Lord,

and I will live by your truth.

Give me an undivided mind to fear your name.

The way the Lord worked out my son's truck situation is something amazing - insurance paid off most of what was left. While for a time my son had no truck, my family saw the Lord work for him as he spoke the truth of his circumstance and let the Lord work out the details. As we clung to the Lord and His TRUTH, He poured into my son the ability to trust Him when all seemed lost. He also showed ME what it meant to use His truth to pray over a circumstance.

So, what are you pouring into your "spiritual engine?" 

Seek His Word first. God's TRUTH will always be worth pouring over and into your life. 

Quiet Christmas Meditations

This Christmas is quiet.

There are not the sounds of little (or big) feet constantly going back and forth in the house. Having constant busyness the few days before Christmas has not happened this year as it has in the past. In fact, I have spent more time alone since I finished my first semester of school than I can ever recall. 

Life has certainly changed this year with both of our kids getting married and us now experiencing the empty nest. There are days that I am not certain what to do with myself and all of this TIME I had always so desperately wanted. While I have enjoyed the quiet and am thankful for a time of recharge, there is something surreal about where my heart is this Christmas. My Momma's heart has been full but yet empty at the same time.

For many years, this verse has repeatedly played in my heart at Christmas because of so many changes that have been taking place with our kids getting older and nothing staying the same.

Luke 2:19 (CSB)  

But Mary was treasuring up all these things in her heart and meditating on them.

For those who personally know me, I am a deep thinker. I enjoy getting lost in my thoughts. Sometimes that is to my detriment but other times it is where my longing soul connects with the Lord in ways I cannot do when I am so busy. I resonate with how the Lord described Mary in Luke 2:19. Mary treasured everything that was happening to her and meditated on them. 

As I have sat in a lot of quietness, the Lord has drawn my heart to the past Christmases of excitement and life on the go. I fondly recall the cookies and other treats made,  "reindeer food" put out on Christmas Eve, going to see Santa and the lights of Christmas, running around with friends to experience different traditions, and watching the excitement on our children's faces. This year my Momma's heart aches for that time again, but I know that life is full of changes. It is what I do with those changes that matter most.

For years I have celebrated the birth of our Savior with a "fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants" feeling. Everything was just so BUSY and the excitement all around me took away the quiet that I now do not know how to handle. The picture to the left is something I drew YEARS ago for my classroom - the cute baby Jesus asleep on the hay, in a manger made out of wood (which actually would have been made of stone), covered with a purple blanket because it's my favorite color because Christmas was so - SWEET - and because it was a warm and cozy good-feeling time of the year. So innocent. So welcoming. 

The Lord is using this time in my life to help me move past the busyness and common view of "sweet" Christmas to treasure more of Him in my heart and meditate on HIM. As my life begins this quieter journey of motherhood, I can help future generations understand the beauty of Emmanuel - God With Us.

Emmanuel.

God is always with us. 

He gives us what we need when we NEED it.

Mary and Joseph were shown a stable in which to bed down and that is where Jesus was born.  The first to be told of Emmanuel were the lowly, stinky, illiterate, nomadic Shepherds. These men were seen unfavorably by society because of their job of caring for sheep. These outcasts were not the sanitized view that I also have hanging on my wall at school (the Precious Moments shepherd - so cute), but they were some of the lowest of the low. However, Emmanuel's birth was revealed to them first. He understood their need. He understood what they could and could not understand. He gave them a SIGN of a babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. These illiterate men who were society's outcasts were given the ability to understand God's plan of redemption in a way that made sense to them! They, the keepers of the sheep for the temple, would wrap perfect lambs that would become sacrifices in the temple and place them in the stable manger area. These same men who were not seen fit to enter the temple were the first to fall down and worship the Lamb of God who would take away the sins of the whole world.

The Lord continues to help me see that I am just like those Shepherds. I am lowly, "stinky", and unfit to enter His presence because of my sin. I am illiterate about Who He really is. I am "nomadic" in my trust in His plans for my life. Yet, HE came to ME. He will do what it takes to give me the SIGNS that He is Who He says He is. I just have to leave that pasture of busyness, search for Him, fall before Him, and adore Him. This quiet season is allowing me to do just that. I often wonder - could that have been some of what Mary was pondering in her heart? Could it have been the emotions of realizing she was holding HER Savior and she understood those shepherds' excitement? 

This time of year can be celebrated because God came DOWN. He will do whatever is needed to draw us to Him. 

Even giving a quiet emptiness that can only be filled by Him.

Praise, Indeed

The word the Lord gave me on which to meditate for this year was "praise." 

Praise was the word He gave me a few years back so I was actually surprised that He kept giving it to me for this year. I knew we would be praising the Lord with celebrations as our kids got married to the ones He had chosen for them so I figured He was just helping me have an easy word to take through the year! However, as I have walked through this year, the Lord has reminded me to praise Him - but in different ways than what I had previously thought. Yes, I praised the Lord for the weddings, but it was deeper than that. 

The verse the Lord gave me for my display on our mantle to keep "praise" in front of my family was Psalm 113:3 - 

"From the rising of the sun to its setting, let the name of the Lord be praised." 

Unfortunately, earlier in the year we had someone come help clean the house and they accidentally erased most of it off of my display area when dusting. Because there was so much going on between planning two weddings and teaching school, I just never had the energy to write it again. It still is more than halfway erased even though I had summer to fix it. 

However, in all of that time, I have looked at that display realizing I must praise the Lord from the rising of the sun to its setting - even when the words have been blurred and I can't see it. 

It is so easy to praise the Lord for what we can see. 

But we also must learn to praise Him when it is something in the story of our life that has been blurred and we CANNOT SEE. That form of praise is much harder. 

This year the Lord had me in a Bible study on the book of Isaiah. It was one of those studies I did not want to end. It taught me more deeply to strive less and trust the Lord more. During this study, the Lord revealed this verse in a deeper way.  He showed it to me during a set of circumstances that we just did not understand. A time when it was hard to praise Him for what was happening.

Psalm 12:2 (CSB) - 

"Indeed, God is my salvation; I will trust Him and not be afraid, for the Lord, the LORD HIMSELF is my strength and my song. He has become my salvation."

In context, this verse is part of a praise chapter in Isaiah. It is a song of praise for the Lord's deliverance of His people. Because I love to learn the importance of wording, I searched this verse in different versions of Scripture to see how it was conveyed. The way it is written in the CSB really resonated with what the Lord has been teaching me this year. 

All versions I looked up began this verse with "behold" - but the CSB beginning starts with "INDEED." 

I just had to look up what "indeed" means simply because there are so many words that we commonly use, but forget their true meaning.

According to Merriam-Webster "indeed" means:

• without any question: TRULY, UNDENIABLY
• in reality
• all things considered: as a matter of fact

This verse also repeats the Lord's name twice. In Scripture, anything said twice in a row gives greater emphasis to what is being communicated. Knowing that the Lord, the Lord Himself, is sovereign and in control of all that happens in our lives, we can praise Him, indeed.

Here is this verse as a song of praise using the words from the dictionary:

We can praise Him, INDEED, because without any question, truly, undeniably, in reality, and as a matter of fact it is THE LORD - The LORD HIMSELF - who is our strength, song, and salvation.

HE IS our strength in the struggles.

HE IS our song when we feel we have lost the ability to sing His praises.

HE IS our salvation through it all.

• The good and the bad. 
• The blurred lines of life. 
• The seen and unseen. 
• The highs and the lows. 
• The feelings of trust or doubt.

Praise HIM.

INDEED.

The Present

My Momma's Heart has continued to ponder over these last few months.

I have been thinking of THE PRESENT.

The present of my children.

The present of my life.

The present of my family.

The last few years have been a blur. The life we all have lived in this world for the last three (due to the pandemic) has been overwhelming and I have found that a lot of things have passed which caused me to not be able to retain the memory of that moment. I have had people ask if I remember something and I feel a loss in realizing I could not remember.

As both of our kids got married this summer, one thing the Lord kept putting on my heart was to be PRESENT. I wanted to remember. I wanted to ponder everything in my heart and keep it close. I purposely did that and will forever hold those memories in my heart. I savor every view, smell, or touch that I had on their very special days and the days leading up to the weddings. 

But as I have pondered on the present, I have always been concerned that I was not always present as Wesley and Mikayla were growing up. Having been a teacher all of their lives, I always felt like I had given more to my students each day than I had to my own children. 

I used to scrapbook. I wish I still had the time and energy to do so, but I am so glad that at least for the first five years of their lives, Wesley and Mikayla have their lives documented! As I have been thinking about how to put the present into words, the Lord led me to the pictures below. 

This was "the present" for a long time. Utter chaos! This was my scrapbooking area also known as our dining room. I was constantly trying to keep up with what Wesley and Mikayla were doing and recording it for posterity. 

All the while, I was thinking, and have also been thinking A LOT recently, that I was not always present in their growing years.

I look back and realize so many times were chaotic and rushed.

Rush to school. 

Rush to an appointment. 

Rush to a practice. 

Rush to get to bed. 

The moments are jumbled in my mind like the looks of my dining room in that picture!

But then I look at the picture posted below and see scattered pictures of "the present" of that specific time that I had captured. The Lord helped me see that in order to capture those pictures, I had to be present.

In that rush, I was still present with them. I may not remember every detail, but all of those details mesh together to create the PRESENT of where we are today. I would not take anything for that PRESENT of love and grace in my life!

As I continued to muse on this throughout the summer, the Lord showed me how my concerns and thoughts of being present as a Mom can apply to my spiritual life as well. 

Even though in the present I may not always think or feel that the Lord is there with me, HE IS. Because He is in my PAST and knows my FUTURE, that means THE PRESENT is always in front of Him. I can trust that He will never leave me or forsake me. I can know that in the scrapbook of my life, He has remembered everything and even if I forget, He never will.

The present is in His hands and that is the best present any of us could ever receive. We can trust and be grateful for the PRESENT of HIS love, grace, and faithfulness in our lives!

Letting Go

Our son has just recently separated his calves from their Mommas. It was not an easy thing to witness due to the distress both were showing. When the calves were taken away to their new pasture up the road, the Mommas were bellowing.

And they bellowed all night.

I understand.

You see, this picture seems like just yesterday. 

I was finally a Momma after many years of trying and so grateful for these twins the Lord had given to us. We dedicated them to the Lord as babies. We always *knew* they were His gifts to us that would not stay under our roof forever. But that was such a LONG way away!

At that time, I could not see how quickly my holding onto them would turn into letting go.

My reflections have increased as of late because both of these babies are getting married very soon. Along with those reflections have come some emotions for which I was not prepared. 

I am feeling like those Momma cows were voicing - a deep emotional bellow. I am finding that no one can prepare you for what it means to fully "let go." 

How can one put into words what it really means to let go? Could it be right now that my inward bellowing is another facet of how the Holy Spirit understands our groaning as Romans 8:26 speaks?

 "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans."

My pondering has been all over the place. I have gone back in time to when they were born all the way up to the last second I saw them and the interactions that took place. I can see a picture of them, of which I have many, and it will take me to that moment. That memory. That clinging. However, at each moment I observe I am reminded that I have been constantly letting go from the first time I held them in my arms:

the nursery

the first crawls and walks

the first words

the first holidays

the first toddler moments

the first day of Kindergarten

the first lost tooth

the first day of being out of "my" building at school and into the Elementary

the first of many "Mom, I need...."

the first day of middle school

the first day of hormones (and all that comes with it!)

the first day of high school

the first crush

the first heartache

the first (of many) long talks and discipling with God's Word

the first day of driving

the first prom

the high school graduation (which was bad enough....)

the first day of college

the first day of meeting their special one the Lord has given to them and realizing everything was changing

the first day after they were engaged....to my almost last day of them living completely under my roof.

I find myself trying to live in the past, present, and future all at the same time.

But only God can do that!

My emotions never know right now whether to laugh or cry; whether to rejoice or be sad.

All of what is happening is GOOD and ordained by God's plan. Just like my son knows that separating those Momma cows from their calves is part of life and necessary, so too is this moment with my own babies.

But the inward bellowing is a real thing. The cows just seem to voice it more easily than me.

No longer am I my son's first love. His wife will take that roll, as it should be, and they will become their own family.

No longer am I my daughter's first call (or first shopping buddy). Her husband will be the one she reaches out to first because that is what is ordained when they leave and come together as one.

I am trusting the Lord as I take their hands out of mine and put them completely into His. I just never knew when I held them the first time how hard that would actually be.

It is taking my trust in the Lord to a whole new level. 

But isn't that what life is all about? Isn't that what He reminds us so often in His Word that there will be hard things and times we must let go? 

But there is a truth that He shows us more strongly during these times: 

HE never lets US go. 

I am thankful that while I am having to let them go and He holds them tightly,  He is holding onto me, too.

My bellowing Momma's heart is clinging to that truth.

Changes of Praise

This year, 2022, the Lord gave me the word "devotion" on which to think and grow. It has been a year of learning more devotion to Him, my family, my work, and those around me. This does not mean that I have not been a devoted person beforehand, as my heart's desire is to always be faithful. The last two years were such a distraction to my heart and soul that I needed this year to heal and process all that the Lord taught me when I was clinging to Him with everything I had. 

For this coming year, the Lord is making it clear that the words on which He desires for me to ponder are praise and change.

Praise is craved. Praise is uplifting. Praise is effortless when life is going as planned.

While change is part of life, some can be viewed as welcome and exciting; others are overwhelming and exhausting.

The words of praise and change take me back to the fall of the year. Every year this season is a hectic time for me with school and other responsibilities. I rarely get the chance to view it at a slower pace. This past fall, the Lord gave me time to absorb and capture the color palette around me. It inspired my soul to view the colorful changes happening before my eyes. The Lord began to use these visual changes of fall to teach me about what He was preparing for me in the new year. 

The following photograph was taken long ago before so many changes happened near our home. This is a favorite picture to which I refer back to time and again. 

There is nothing like the peak season of the leaves showing off their brilliance. The beauty that is seen is majestic and photographic. It is a time of praise to our Creator for the glory He shows us before the winter season.

However, as I have photographed the grandness of the fall season, when viewing the details, the changing of the leaves looks more like the picture below - not so picture-perfect. I was going to do photoshopping on the leaves to fill in the holes and give a perfect view of the leaf. 

But the Lord stopped me and used the above picture to make me pause and think. He had something to show me for my own life. 

The view of the changing leaves from afar gives a delightful impression, but the accurate and up-close view can be ugly and distracting. Very few leaves I have photographed are perfectly colored and without some type of imperfection. The holes and misshapen areas are evidence that change is not always a thing of beauty. It is a performance of dying to what once was so that it can become new again.

As I look forward to the next year, I already see two changes coming our way because of devotion! Our children have found the one the Lord has for them and will be getting married in the late spring and mid-summer. That is praiseworthy! However, the life we have known for all these years will be forever changed. 

This Momma's Heart has been wrestling with that change. I have been devoted to my children since before they were born. As a Mom, I feel misshapen and left with holes that once were full of life. Just as in the fall season, the leaves fall and die to replenish the earth and get ready for the coming growing season, change is requiring me to fall from what I have been for so long, die to who I think I should be, and praise the Lord for what He will transform in me.

Change is part of this life. Change is beautiful. Change is hard and painful.  

But that is what praise in the change is all about - changing us from what we were to what we need to become. For the tree to mature, the old leaves must fall off and allow new growth to appear. The same happens in life - change causes our old selves to become something new, and in that process, praise goes to our Creator for how HE changes us. The best part of praise in the changing is that God never changes. Because He is always the same, any change in this life can be praised because He is faithful and stays the same. We can trust that the changes He is doing in us are for our good and His glory. 

So, join me in praising the Lord for change. His faithfulness allows us to look back and gaze on the overall beauty that change provides while not dwelling on what had to occur to view that beauty.

Malachi 3:6a (ESV)

For I the Lord do not change;

Psalm 59:17 (CSB)

To you, my strength, I sing praises, because God is my stronghold - my faithful God.

Focused Eyes

I am a strong visual learner, so my eyesight is a large part of how I experience the world around me. In the last couple of years, I tried to focus on what the Lord was allowing me to view of life. Like all those around me, I could only view what was right in front of me just to survive. It was literally a step-by-step process and there was no viewing of a bigger picture. There was no time to "stop and smell, or view, the roses." 

 

This year, the Lord has shown me how I can see Him again with more focused eyes. He has shown me how to look back on the last two years and see how He was always there focusing my vision even when I thought everything I saw was out of focus. 

 

And He revealed this deeper truth to me using a bee.

 

If you know me personally, you know how much I love to photograph God's Creation. The details always fascinate me. To view those details up close, I use my macro lens which allows me to view what I see with magnification. At different seasons I love to capture what is on display. This summer was no different and I had the chance to aimlessly wander around and view the beauty. As I was focused on certain plants, the bees caught my eye. They were everywhere doing their God-given job of pollinating and bringing new life to the world around us, so I began to photograph them.

 

Bees, like most insects, have three simple eyes and two compound eyes. They have the ability to see all colors except for red but can see lesser hues of red such as oranges or yellows. They also have the capability to see ultraviolet light which is not a feat for human eyes. The ability to see ultraviolet light allows the bee to see details hidden in the plants that are unseen to the human eye. Bees use their simple eyes to guide them in the right direction. Those simple eyes can use the sun, even on a cloudy day, to navigate where they are in their area, and it can also lead them back home. The compound eyes of the bee allow it to have the ability to focus on a plant even when it is windy or if there are other distractions. They never miss their mark and always do their purposed work.

 

As I kept photographing the bees, I could not help but think of the verse the Lord gave me for this year on which to meditate:

 

Psalm 119:37(CSB) - Turn my eyes from looking at what is worthless; give me life in your ways.

 

Sometimes I struggle to keep my eyes from looking at what is worthless. I focus on what is simply seen instead of using the compound eyes of Scripture to have a clear focus of what is shown to me. That lack of focus can happen through events in daily living, the news, social media, or the comparison trap.

 

The Lord used this verse, and the bees, to deepen my understanding of what He has been showing me in the past two years. There are a lot of worthless things in this world, but if I keep my eyes focused on the guiding light of the Son, even when it appears the clouds of life have covered Him, I will always be headed in the right direction. This "ultraviolet" focus will reveal details that can only be seen when viewed through the light of Scripture no matter the distractions surrounding my circumstances. I must trust that the Lord will use His ultraviolet light to reveal the details that can be easily missed with my humanness. I can then have a more abundant life because I am remembering my purpose is to glorify Him and do His work instead of focusing on what will not last.

So, see like a bee. 

 

Focus on the life-giving Word of the Lord and the worthless things will grow dim in the light of His glory and grace.

 

(Because bees fascinate me, if you want to read more about them, here is an article I read to understand them more: How Bees See and Why It Matters)

 

 

 

"Steer" Me the Right Way

In my last post, I was walking away from 2021 to finally breathe again... Little did I realize that one short day after I posted, I would have the privilege to breathe alright. 

Breathe while running around chasing steers!

On our little farm we now have three cows, a calf, and four steers along with the horses. 

That evening, a kind stranger came to the house, rang the doorbell, and shared with me that our "cows" were out. I froze. 

"Cows out? How can that be? They are in the pasture. Wait, cows are OUT!" 

Sure enough, it was the four steers. They had found a way to get out of the fenced area they were in and were "having the time of their lives" running up and down our main road, in the subdivision by our home (which used to be cornfields and pastures of our farm when I was growing up), and near the lake. Wesley had just moved them there a week or so before to give them a new area to graze. Light was fading fast and it was when rush-hour traffic was beginning!

Wesley and his friend were already trying to wrangle them back up the road to the pasture. As Steve and I turned the corner from our road to the main road, I see Wesley chasing one of the steers, who I am affectionately calling Gus, up the road. Quickly, the steer made a sharp left turn and was running through the neighborhood across the street from our place and Wes made the sharp left right along with him. Gus went all around that neighborhood, taking off across people's back yards, and finally heading off toward the lake again.

I get it, Gus. Living in some fenced in area with barbed wire does not seem like the perfect way of life. There is so much freedom on the other side of that restricted boundary! Freedom to run and eat the grass that is on the other side of the fence. Freedom to roam wherever you would want!

But what Gus and his buddies failed to see was that the fence kept them safe. It kept them safe from a busy road, vehicles, other people - and even themselves. They were fed twice a day, water was always provided, and enough grass or hay to munch on throughout the day. They really had it made - even if they thought they did not.

Chasing Gus continued for quite a while. The stinker was running all around trying to find his three other cohorts who had busted him loose but did not keep him close enough. Or maybe Gus just decided to find his own path and then realized he was lost and was running in circles.

All along, Wesley, and the rest of our family and friends, were doing what we could to find all four of those steers and bring them back the right way home. The steers thought they were fine, but we knew what could harm them out beyond the pasture.

All four finally found each other right by the lake. I was the one who got to "steer sit" while Wesley and the others came up with the plan to guide them back to the pasture. All I knew to do at that moment was pray. Pray that they would not go away from me, that Wesley could come up with a solution, and that the Lord would guide them back home. 

It was beginning to get dark and I was having a hard time seeing them when they began to move again. Wesley was in position to get behind them and push them, but he could only see so much in the darkness. We were all running around trying to make sure they were safe. As we were running up the road again, we hear Wesley say, "They're in! They're in!" I began running with the bucket of food to guide them to the other side of the fence. Steve was running telling everyone nearby to make sure the other gate was secured. 

Later as we were talking about how the steers finally came back the right way, Wesley said it was so dark he could hardly see them, but then, at the last minute, they literally turned and went straight back to the area from where they had escaped. They were so exhausted that they were glad to finally be back where they belonged. I knew right then that the Lord had guided them back home.

As I "steer sat" that day, I could not help but think of how Gus and the rest of those steers are just like me. 

I get irritated with the fenced-in area where the Lord has me and think that outside of those boundaries there is more life and freedom. I can quickly follow others, or what the latest news has just reported, and "escape" from the "pasture" where the Lord has placed me for that time. As I leave that safety, I begin to experience what happened to Gus. I run around frantically trying to find those "others" or the path I thought would be better, only to realize it is exhausting. If only I would just stay where the Lord puts me and realize He is taking care of me right there, I would not need to run. I actually have a lot of freedom in that pasture because it was where He placed me and He is always watching over me.

Before the steers had gotten out, the Lord had given me the word "devotion" upon which to meditate this year.  Psalm 119 has been my go-to passage of Scripture and the verse that really spoke to me for this year is Psalm 119:37. I put it on our mantle above the fireplace where we all could see it every day: 

Psalm 119:37 CSB

"Turn my eyes from looking at what is worthless; give me life in your ways."

How fitting that, on one of the last days of 2021, the Lord had me running to chase those steers to teach me this concept in a real-life way. Every day I drive by that pasture and it takes me back to that experience. Every day the Lord's truth continues to sink in more deeply. 

If I am not looking at the ways of the Lord, I am chasing worthless things. Those worthless things take away the freedom and safety that can only be found in the Lord. I must trust that the "pasture" where He has me for that time is the best place I can be. Running from it does not give me rest. It is exhausting. Only when I devote myself to spending time in His Word and staying close to His ways can I fully have life and be at peace where He has placed me. And if I do get out and begin looking at worthless things... He is chasing after me...encouraging me to come back to Him. When I call out to Him, He always finds me and "steers" me safely home.

How about you? Are you needing to be "steered" in the right way? Get lost in the Lord and His Word - not in this world. Stay content in the pasture where He has you and find life in HIS ways.