Letting Go

Our son has just recently separated his calves from their Mommas. It was not an easy thing to witness due to the distress both were showing. When the calves were taken away to their new pasture up the road, the Mommas were bellowing.

And they bellowed all night.

I understand.

You see, this picture seems like just yesterday. 

I was finally a Momma after many years of trying and so grateful for these twins the Lord had given to us. We dedicated them to the Lord as babies. We always *knew* they were His gifts to us that would not stay under our roof forever. But that was such a LONG way away!

At that time, I could not see how quickly my holding onto them would turn into letting go.

My reflections have increased as of late because both of these babies are getting married very soon. Along with those reflections have come some emotions for which I was not prepared. 

I am feeling like those Momma cows were voicing - a deep emotional bellow. I am finding that no one can prepare you for what it means to fully "let go." 

How can one put into words what it really means to let go? Could it be right now that my inward bellowing is another facet of how the Holy Spirit understands our groaning as Romans 8:26 speaks?

 "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans."

My pondering has been all over the place. I have gone back in time to when they were born all the way up to the last second I saw them and the interactions that took place. I can see a picture of them, of which I have many, and it will take me to that moment. That memory. That clinging. However, at each moment I observe I am reminded that I have been constantly letting go from the first time I held them in my arms:

the nursery

the first crawls and walks

the first words

the first holidays

the first toddler moments

the first day of Kindergarten

the first lost tooth

the first day of being out of "my" building at school and into the Elementary

the first of many "Mom, I need...."

the first day of middle school

the first day of hormones (and all that comes with it!)

the first day of high school

the first crush

the first heartache

the first (of many) long talks and discipling with God's Word

the first day of driving

the first prom

the high school graduation (which was bad enough....)

the first day of college

the first day of meeting their special one the Lord has given to them and realizing everything was changing

the first day after they were engaged....to my almost last day of them living completely under my roof.

I find myself trying to live in the past, present, and future all at the same time.

But only God can do that!

My emotions never know right now whether to laugh or cry; whether to rejoice or be sad.

All of what is happening is GOOD and ordained by God's plan. Just like my son knows that separating those Momma cows from their calves is part of life and necessary, so too is this moment with my own babies.

But the inward bellowing is a real thing. The cows just seem to voice it more easily than me.

No longer am I my son's first love. His wife will take that roll, as it should be, and they will become their own family.

No longer am I my daughter's first call (or first shopping buddy). Her husband will be the one she reaches out to first because that is what is ordained when they leave and come together as one.

I am trusting the Lord as I take their hands out of mine and put them completely into His. I just never knew when I held them the first time how hard that would actually be.

It is taking my trust in the Lord to a whole new level. 

But isn't that what life is all about? Isn't that what He reminds us so often in His Word that there will be hard things and times we must let go? 

But there is a truth that He shows us more strongly during these times: 

HE never lets US go. 

I am thankful that while I am having to let them go and He holds them tightly,  He is holding onto me, too.

My bellowing Momma's heart is clinging to that truth.