Grief.
We all go through it at some point in our lives. Some grief is mild while other grief is painstakingly difficult and does not go away easily.
Some of you will definitely relate to some of what I will share. Others of you may only share in one or two, while a rare few may not have really experienced any yet.
I, personally, have found that the last fifteen months have been filled with grief in one way or another.
The grief of:
March 2020 to "present": Covid and the Quarantine.
March-May 2020: Losing the last nine weeks with my 2019/2020 second grade class.
March 2020-until recently: Not having the ability to be with others for an extended period of time.
May 2020-August 2020: Preparing for the 2020/2021 school year with so many uncertainties.
July 2020-August 2020: Going to get our son from his agriculture internship when he came down with a severe case of Mono; two weeks later taking my daughter to the ER for abdominal pain that, thankfully, revealed a cyst that was benign, and then two weeks after that, taking my son recovering from Mono to the ER and him having to have his appendix removed - the day before I started my 2020/2021 school year.
August 2020: Understanding the fact that the school year was going to be SO different and feeling the loss of what was normal.
August 2020-May 2021: Wearing a mask all of the time.
August 2020-May 2021: Having to be more distant from my students when I am a hugger.
For a while now: Watching my parents age and one become more unsteady.
November 2020: Having our horse, Mr. Deeds, get sick right after Thanksgiving.
December 2020: Bringing home Deeds from the NC State Vet Hospital and a day later having to unexpectedly put down our 10 year old Golden Retriever, Molly, because of cancer found.
December 2020: Finding out the next week that Deeds had tested positive for salmonella while at the Vet Hospital and would have to be quarantined for thirty days.
August 2020-May 2021: Feeling so overwhelmed because of the stress of the abnormal school year.
Wearing a mask all of the time. (Yes, it bears repeating.)
Moving into the 2021 new year with great hopes of relief only to realize things did not quickly improve.
March 2021: Getting the phone call that my Daddy had fallen and this time it was different.
March 2021-May 2021: Going to hospice to visit Daddy most everyday for 6 weeks.
Watching Daddy get weaker and weaker while trying to stay stronger and stronger.
May 8, 2021: Holding Daddy's hand when he took his last breath.
May 2021: Going through the out-patient surgery with my daughter to take care of the cyst found last summer that decided to flare up again.
May 2021: Ending a school year that was exhausting.
June 2021: Thinking that finally grief was going to begin subsiding only to get a call early this past Monday morning telling us my Father-in-law had unexpectedly passed away.
Walking down yet another road to say goodbye to someone we loved.
As I typed out that above list, it kept growing and growing! The list is not to say I am the only one who has faced hard challenges, but rather a way for me to look back on all the Lord has brought us through.
I could look at "growing in grief"in the negative - that it seems to keep growing and coming at me and my family. Remember Job in Scriptures? I must admit that I have felt a small part of what he must have gone through.
However, the Lord has been working in my heart and life over these last difficult months to see "Growing in Grief" as something positive.
The pictures below are a hydrangea in our yard. I took these over a period of a few weeks between March and June. They were taken during some of those hard moments listed above and I could not stop thinking of how the Lord was showing me to grow in my grief.
Hydrangeas, like most plants, are just plain ugly in the winter.
But deep in the soil, that hydrangea grows and soaks in all of the rain it can get during those winter months. Hydrangeas need a lot of water so the roots still grow out and down under the soil in order for the growth on top of the soil to be seen when spring finally arrives. Even though it looks dead, that hydrangea is still growing during the harshness around it because the roots are keeping the plant anchored in the soil.
In late winter and early spring, you are able to see new growth begin. It may be hard to see from a distance, but if you get closer to the hydrangea, little green leaves begin to appear. Remember, those leaves are the way the plant is able to begin feeding itself from the suns rays to grow more beautiful and bring forth the well-loved blooms.
I want to be that hydrangea. After a hard winter of rooting down into Him as much as possible, I want to be able to burst forth in growth and blooms that the Lord has given to me during these hard, winter times of grief. It is only because of Him that I am able to be "the display of His splendor."
- Learning more about the Lord in ways I never would have if I had not gone through these past fifteen months. Seeing more of Who He is. Understanding His path for me is not always easy, but He is always there holding my hand and guiding me.
- Finding comfort, strength, and stability in the Lord alone as my outward circumstances continued to change.
- Loving my family to the fullest. Loving others deeply and realizing how important human touch is to our souls!
- Seeing the sacrifices made by my husband to keep us going through some hard months and loving him more for it.
- Valuing even more the ability to teach - and teach IN PERSON! It may have looked a lot differently this past year but the fact that we were IN school all year is such a praise to the Lord!
- Understanding that some of the change we had to do in the school year helped me learn new ways to teach and connect to my students and parents. Finding that I grew in so many ways as a teacher this year simply because I never knew what would happen next!
- Showing thankfulness for the ability to be there for my personal children when they need me and care for them when they are struggling.
- Knowing that while I still hate the mask, the mask allowed me to be in front of my students every day.
- Finding new ways to learn about our animals and cherish their ability to bring us joy and comfort. Animals really are a gift from the Lord. Our Josie, the new golden retriever, was our gift at the end of 2020 that we did not realize how much we would need in 2021.
- Learning how to say goodbye to my Daddy and be there for him and Mom in ways I never thought I would ever be able to do. Knowing Daddy is healed now and I WILL see him again.
- Holding on to a beautiful year of love and growth in my students that ended strongly.
- Being there for my husband when his world was suddenly shattered with the loss of his own father - and understanding deeply the pain he is feeling. Knowing I am able to walk this road with him and encourage and love on him as he has loved on me.
- Grasping how life will never be the same again, but the Lord never changes.
- Finding that growing in grief is not easy, but when I give it continually over to the Lord, He takes the hardness and grows it into something stronger and more beautiful.
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor.
